Saving Abel - "Mystify" - Official Music Video - Directed by Davo

Saving Abel - Miss America (Troop Video)

Trying to keep it together

I'm really trying to keep it together, but I am falling apart. 
I should be in a totally happy mode because I have the date when he will be home and he is actually coming home early ahead of the ship. So it should be extremely exciting. 
I should also be getting better because I have been on Cymbalta for about 3 weeks, so I should really be feeling much better. 
I have noticed that the Cymbalta has helped with alot of the aches and pains that I have been having. Although, I have been having some new stuff. Normally, its my right knee that is always swollen and hurting but for some reason, my left knee is giving me trouble these days. I think it has to do with how I sit. I dont even realize that I do it, but I have a horrible habit of sitting on my foot. 

I had hoped that I would be able to quit the drinking to make myself feel better, and just feel better and not have to deal with being all mopey and glum all the time. But it just isn't working. Sometimes I do really feel good, but most of the time I don't. The depression is still there. I've tried to follow what my therapist says, and when I am sad, think of positive things. She suggested that when I get all sad, start planning our vacation, look at pictures that make me happy, go for a walk, force myself to leave the house even though I don't want to. 

I try. But its not happening. 

Last night I was lonely and decided to go out, well of course, I drank too much. Tonight I went out for awhile, but I drank 2 beers and 2 bottles of water. Then suddenly the bar was overwhelmed by these 2 large groups, and I had already felt weird because there was this old guy staring at me. I kinda felt like I wanted to leave, so when I went to get my check, because of the old guy staring at me, I timed it perfectly, as the first of the 2 large groups were walking in. I just felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. Normally it takes quite a bit to creep me out. So when I get creeped out, there is something not right. 
I think maybe the reason that I was being creeped out by the old guy was because I wasn't drunk. In the amount of time that I was there, I would have normally had at least 4 beers, and no soda or water. So me only having 2, and then having 2 bottles of water, and then leaving is like a miracle for me. 
But it is not a miracle that I just suddenly was not comfortable with a place that I frequent. 
I can't count the number of times that I have been to this particular bar. I can't count the number of creeps that I have seen at this bar. But for some reason, I just started having a panic attack. 

Maybe somehow that is a good thing that I just had to bail, because I didn't stay and drink. I just didn't feel comfortable at all there. So maybe it is good for me to not want to be there. Now I just have to get to where I have no desire to drink anymore to be social and have fun. 

Moving On

So things have been a little weird lately. A couple weeks ago I had these crazy symptoms and I was sick for over a week. 
Luckily, its gone. 
During the time frame when I was getting over it, I met my shrink who put me on Cymbalta. Cymbalta is supposed to not only help me with my depression, but it is supposed to help with the random weird pains that I am having all of the time. 
My shrink seems to think that eventually Cymbalta will get rid of my headaches and it will make me feel better. 
I hope he is right and it does all of those things. I am now in my 3rd week of taking Cymbalta. I have noticed that some of the pain is reduced, so I am hoping that that part will get better at least. 
However, I can't say that the depression is any better. I think the main reason that I can't move beyond this depression is that I was dumped by two friends. Here I am at my worst, I was really sick, and I get dumped. Neither has spoken to me since I came home from the ER. Which is crazy because if either of them had been in the ER, then I would have been worried and checked back in at least once a day to see what the heck was going on. 
So what do I do, Do I call them all groveling and be like I don't know what I did to upset you, but I am sorry for whatever it is. Or do I just keep moving on and act like nothing is going on?
My typical way to deal with them is to not deal with them. So I am sure I will just keep treading water and see what happens. 

I'm just not sure that my new med is helping with the depression. I still feel like I don't want to leave the house and I still feel like I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. 

My biggest problem in all of this is my coping mechanism has been taken away. I used to always drink when I had something going on that I could not deal with. I would just get trashed, the problem was still there, but at least for the minutes or hours that I was drunk I didn't feel whatever was going on. 

Well now that I am on Cymbalta, I am not supposed to drink at all. Those who regularly drink on Cymbalta can have some serious liver damage, so I need to stop. 

I've only drank once in this past month. I just haven't really felt like going anywhere. 

I just dont know how am I supposed to deal with all of this. 

Forward Progress

Well, I guess I have made some forward progress. 
I spent a week sick as a dog, I went o several doctors and even the emergency room. 
I'm sure the bills are going to be lovely.
I have finally finished my course of medication. I just have to go back next week for a final redo of the blood work to make sure that my white blood cell count is back to normal.

I took a step in the moving forward by meeting with the psychiatrist and getting on medication. He has started me on Cymbalta. He seems to think he can get me on care that will solve the depression and the headaches. He said I should have been in psychiatric care 10-15 yrs ago. 

I took another step forward by applying to the rescue to adopt a dog. I made it through the first part. I have the home inspection set up on Saturday. I am not sure if I will actually go through with the adoption or not. I emailed the sailor and even sent him a picture of the dog I want to adopt who is just gorgeous and he said he wants to wait to get a dog. He actually said he wants to start a family when he gets back. 
My response to that is WTF?????
A baby? Seriously?
For some reason he just does not understand that I am too old. I am freaking 38 and I will be 39 here in Nov. He missed that window. Even if I have my Mirena taken out, the odds are not remotely good that I will conceive and have a normal baby. I am just too old. 
He just doesn't get it. 

This is the fear that I have though, he can't accept the fact that I am too old for a baby, and he leaves me because he really wants a child. So I am sure I will get the mirena out to make him happy, but I am not sure how he will handle it when I don't magically get pregnant. 

The main issue too is that I DO NOT WANT children. I do not have a maternal bone in my body. I do not have the desire to change diapers and be up all night. I do not see a baby as a bundle of joy. I see it as a life sucking leech. 

Half Way

So today was the half way party or family picnic as it became. 
The FRG President spontaneously stepped down right before it, so the event was a communication nightmare. 
The event also took unorganization to a new level. 
I'm hoping that since there will be a election of new officers that things will be better organized. 
The only thing that I do not understand is how some of these women function on a daily basis with their children. Some of these kids were just all over the place, hurting themselves, hurting each other. OMG, I have never seen kids like these. I dont get it. 

I've been feeling bad, like having a fever since Thursday. Friday, I had such a fever and chills, episode that I could not even get out of bed. It was awful. Tylenol has intermittantly been helping. I was super sick this morning, but I took some tylenol and I was able to function at the half way. Right when I was getting ready to leave, I felt my fever start to creep back on, so I knew it was time to leave. 

I got home and took some tylenol, actually I've taken it 3 times and I still am burning up. I feel like crap. I am going to go take a cool shower and see if that helps bring my fever down. Not only is my head screaming, but my neck is real stiff, I have real bad leg pain, and  a couple of random itchy spots on me. 

Still want to hide

I had just a horrible day at work. 
It was rainy and miserable outside and it just made me feel even worse on the inside. I got to work and it was a day just like any other. Spent all day on my island. 
It would be nice if my isolation at work had some purpose, like I am contagious or something. But it really does not have a purpose other than most of the things I work on, do not involve anyone else. Hence the island. 
Tomorrow, I have another counseling appointment with my counselor and then I think next week is when I see the shrink for my meds. 

I wanted to update a post that I posted awhile back about the fundraiser at for the FRG. Apparently, the FRG President wasn't there. The person who loudly and rudely said "I don't know who she is" is the FRG Treasurer. I can see from the last meeting why absolutely nothing gets accomplished with the FRG. The current President is very mousy and quiet and not commanding like an organization president should be. She had no control over the last FRG meeting. Most of the women brought their WILD children and did not to anything at all to keep an eye on them. They just let them run wild and make a mess all over the place. 
She said that she is electing new officers for the FRG, because her husband is retiring, so she needs to step down. No one really seems interested in running for president. They announced that the half way party is actually a half way family picnic, but they have still not picked a location. It is this Saturday. I rec'd an email tonight, and it looks like they will be having it at a park on base. Which I do not understand, why they won't have it at one of the city parks in va beach because those are much easier to get to, and everyone can come. When you have events exclusively on base, you eliminate part of the attendance. At the last meeting, there was a guy's mom who was there. Well obviously, if they have it on base, she can't go. There was one girlfriend who was there, but she is civil service, and BFF's with another wife from the ship, so she has not problem getting on base. I wish they would do it some place that is more central, because some people live on the other side of the water and really do not want to be driving to oceana. 
Anyways, I was hoping that maybe next year they would elect FRG officers so I could run for a position, but since they are electing them this year I cannot. They don't know me at all. Right now, I am not in the best frame of mind to do it either. With my depression, I am not much fun to be around. 

The Judgmental Microscope

My anxiety has pretty much taken over my life at this point. I should be able to go out and enjoy myself or even go to work and have a good day, but it is just not happening. 
I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to go anywhere. 
After our dog passed away in October, we have been discussing the point of getting a new dog. Our dog was a Chinese Shar Pei, so I have been researching all of the Shar Pei rescues and looking for what I consider to be a good match for us. Recently, I found what I thought was the perfect match. So I started the application process. I got a few questions in, and my anxiety of being judged just took over and I couldn't finish it. 
The rescue of course wants to research the household for every dog they place. Which I totally understand. I just was not prepared for how the investigation into my life was going to make me feel. 
There is no reason why we could not adopt a dog. We have a big house, nice back yard, a doggie door, no kids, no other pets and we both LOVE dogs. But even all of that, I just could not finish the application because I felt like every question was judgmental, and a personal attack. So I did not finish the application. Even though this dog is perfect for us, I just started to get so anxious I just could not finish. 
I have been deliberately cutting out the people who I feel judge me the most. Those who I feel have the most nasty comments about my life and my relationship, I'm just not talking to anymore. Which apparently, they feel the same, because they have not attempted to speak to me either. So obviously, they have seen that I have been upset, and they are trying to leave me alone I guess. 
I am just going to try to do some other things and meet some other people. I went to my first FRG meeting. Since I am one of the very few who do not have children, I feel like I may be able to help them. I'm participating in the fundraisers, so maybe I can actually be of some help. They seem a little overwhelmed and under manned. 
There is also a civic league that has started in the past year for our neighborhood. I think they meet like the 2nd Tuesday of each month. I have to check the actual schedule. I was involved in the Civic League for my old neighborhood for years. I also want to get involved in church. For too long I've been on a path of doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. 
I'm in counseling and I totally expect it to help me get out of this and get my depression and anxiety under control. I want to be able to live a normal life and feel happy to go to work, happy to be out of the house, happy to be alive. But right now, I am nothing but sad, and anxious all the time. It is misery. 

I honestly just wish that I had someone that I could talk to besides my therapist. 

So I've been seeing a shrink ....

OK, Well technically she is a counselor, because she is not an MD. They only have 2 MDs in the office, and only one takes my insurance. So you have to meet with a counselor first, and I guess determine if there is a real need for medication, then you meet with an MD, so you get this combination of drugs and therapy. 
Which, OK ... That is nice. 
I was really afraid that my shrink was going to be all judgmental like the people in my life who do not hesitate to tell me I am doing everything wrong. But so far she has been really curious as to why people seem to think what I do and how I live is bad.
We have had several conversations about the key issues that keep coming up and she seems to be of the opinion that I am making the right choice, all be it, a slow and non commitment choice. 
She wants me to get over my fear of commitment and at least be willing to join our cell phone plans when he returns, even if I am not ready to get married. I should at least be ready to take some step. 
I actually like the fact that she is teaching me how to deal with the judgmental people, instead of my usual way of hiding in the house all the time and not wanting to go anywhere for fear of judgment. 
She is moving me towards confronting those who constantly judge me and who are constantly telling me I need to do this, and I need to do that. 
Even my own family does not tell me what to do, so it is super weird to hear it from someone who is not in the 3F's.

She has suggested that I take small steps, and work my way up to dealing with the judgement. But clearly, me deciding to hide in my house all the time and not speak to anyone for fear of judgment, is not really going to make me feel any better. 
Right now, all I want to do is just hide in the house all the time and not be around those who are constantly telling me what I need to change. 

I don't think anyone really understands how I feel. I can't stand living under a microscope, so I have decided to live under a rock. My depression is so bad, I don't want to see anyone, speak to anyone, go anywhere or do anything. I spend most of my time about 5 minutes away from throwing myself off a bridge. 
But how do I tell people, GTF out of my business?
Well I've stopped venting. 
If something happens and I am upset by it and I want to vent about it, back in the day, I would write it in my journal. For awhile I was putting notes on Facebook, my space, live journal etc. But people feel like because you put it out there, it is open for comment. 
So hence the microscope.
So I have started when I need to vent about something, about how I feel, what I am doing is sitting down and either writing it all out by hand, emailing myself how I feel, or I am just plainly discussing it with myself. 
I do the discussing mostly in the car, because then it looks like I am singing to the radio. But since I am at home alone all the time, I can talk to myself all I want and no one hears me so it doesn't really matter. 
But the main point, is I am NO LONGER venting about my situation or situations to human ears. 
If a situation or situations comes up and I am invited someplace but cannot afford to go, instead of launching into a vent about how freaking expensive this cruise has been or expressing my not happiness with money, Instead I will just politely say, no, I have other plans. 
I can always hang out with my niece and nephew, or my dad, so I am not truly lying when I say I have other plans. 
And trust me, my garage needs some serious work to be done to it, so I will be at home cleaning out the garage starting this weekend and trying to get all of the junk out of there. 

If anyone, especially the microscope people, ask me anything about anything, I will simply shit rainbows and unicorns for them. No more telling the truth, no more expressing myself, no more venting, no more anything but happiness and joy.
True, I will basically be lying, but if you are one of those who constantly puts me under a microscope, then you don't really care about me or my feelings, and it won't bother you when I end up throwing myself off a bridge. 

I am going to upload non stop pictures of kittens and puppies and unicorns and rainbows and portray nothing but severe happiness to the outside world. 
Those who are intent on looking at me through a microscope will have nothing to look at. 

More Judgement

I've made up my mind that I am going to insert myself into the life of the ship's FRG come hell or high water. I don't care that I am not wanted because we aren't married. I don't care that the FRG President does not like me and refuses to include me. I don't care. I am going to insert myself into the damn FRG and these people are just going to have to deal with me. 
This is not high school, and you cannot just say that the FRG is your clique group of friends and no one else is allowed. That is no way to run an FRG. 
Unfortunately, I have heard many times that this happens, especially with smaller commands and it is a key few women who run the FRG, get on a power trip, and basically exclude anyone that they do not like, and the FRG gets turned into nothing and sometimes they are forced to disband. 
I hope that does not happen with the FRG for his ship. From what I understand, the FRG has had the same President since he has been on the ship in 2010. Basically, the FRG has consistently done NOTHING over and over. I got zero emails, and nothing but one snotty reply in the first year that he was on the ship. I finally started getting the emails from the CMC and OMB late last year. But I still get nothing from the FRG. 
The first time a communication went out, I forwarded the email that he had sent me that was the FRG President's response to asking me to be added to the list. No response. 
So recently, another communication came out from the OMB, about a fundraiser for the FRG, and yet again, I responded to the FRG President with why am I not getting your emails. I got snotty response #1 of are you related to anyone on the ship? To which I responded and then again forwarded the FRG Pres response to my sailor, YET AGAIN, twice now. 
I finally got a response that I was not added to the list. But I would be. 
I never got a response on the FRG fundraiser or anything. Only that another email would come out and I would get it. 
Well of course, yesterday was the FRG Fundraiser, and I only knew the details thanks to the OMB. 
So you know what? Even though I did not get the word from the FRG President, I went anyways. I feel like she is deliberately excluding me. I do not buy these "I am having problems with my email" stories. I am in the IT field, fool someone else.

Of course I get to the FRG fundraiser and I have NO idea who any of the people are from the FRG. There was a friend of mine there, she has a friend, (who I have met once) who's hub is on the ship. So there were two people I could speak too. 
But I feel like if you are any kind of officer with the FRG, you should go around and introduce yourself to anyone that you do not know. Not just make some comment to someone else, (loud enough for everyone to hear), I don't know who she is. Well fucking introduce yourself. Act like a damn leader. 
I can't stand it when people who have no fucking social skills are in charge of something. Act your role, greet everyone, thank them for coming, don't be a bitch and loudly say you dont know someone. 

I know that there is a meeting coming up, but no one has announced the location. I am waiting to hear where it will be. When I find out where it will be I am going to try to do everything I can to go to the meeting. 
I don't care that they want to play high school clique. I am going to go to the damn meeting and they will have to fucking deal with me. 

And it gets worse

As if my situation right now cannot get any worse, it has. 
I probably should not let other people get to me, but I do. I wish people would just step back and realize that whatever they have worked out as a plan for their life and their marriage, is not necessarily the plan that will work best for everyone. 

I've made decisions, Maybe they aren't what other people would make, but they are my decisions. 
What I don't understand, and I guess I never will is the judgement. 
I am the type of person where I don't care what someone does in their own house, if it works for them, great, help yourself, I don't care. 
Own all the guns you want, smoke all the pot you want, marry all the gay people you want, I don't freaking care. 
Everyone does things differently, and there are too many freaking different things going on to get all up in someone's business and care what is going on. 
I guess I am just apathetic, because I just honestly do not give a crap, at all. 
But when people make up their mind that I personally am doing something wrong, and it does not affect them at all, that gets under my skin. 

Recently someone said the phrase "Why don't you tell her to ......."
My response was simple, I don't tell anyone what to do about anything.
Its not really my place. Mostly, because I don't really care unless it is something that affects me. For most people, it doesn't. 

I know I am rambling in circles, but I guess my point is, I am seriously tired of the microscope and the prying eyes, and the people all up in my business. I'm tired of the judgement. I'm tired of the microscope and having people who don't live my life tell me how it should be. 


I guess I have just gotten a belly full of the judgement over and over and over and I am just tired of it. I just feel like I want to go home and climb under a rock and never come out. I'm miserable from all of the judgement. It makes me want to hide from the world. 
Its probably a good thing that I have to leave the house for work and other things or else I seriously would not. I would just hide and keep the prying judgmental eyes away from me. 

I feel totally judged and under a microscope and people wonder why I am severely depressed.

Life Goes On

My life is going on, but I feel like I am standing still. 
The sailor left in early January, but Luckily I have been able to keep in regular contact with him. 

I talk to him about once a week on the phone, but normally I get an email from him at least once a day. 

Unfortunately, I feel like I am talking to a brick wall most of the time. Yes, I realize he is deployed and his life sucks. Its not like he is on a vacation. 
But I dont think he has a grip on how hard things are at home. 

My first complaint is this notorious "deployment money". I am extremely deployment poor right now. We made an arrangement years ago since all the bills for the house were already set up and in his name, and on autopay, that I would just transfer money to him to help pay the bills. 
Well I honestly figured that since he was deployed, and making more money, that he would not need my money. Wrong. He still expects the same amount each paycheck to help him pay the bills. 
On top of that, I am spending ridiculous amounts of money sending him things. He constantly complains about how horrible the food on the ship is, and how he needs me to ship him certain things for him to eat. He expected me to go join Sams Club and pay the $40 fee out of my pocket and then buy him $60-$100 worth of beef jerky and ship it to him. All out of my pocket. He does not give me any money for the things he wants in the packages. NONE.

When I didn't immediately join a warehouse club and ship out the packages with beef jerky, he got pissed. Complaining that he has nothing to eat on the ship because he is running out of what he took with him. He laid this HUGE guilt trip on me which lead me to go spend money I didn't have. When I asked if I could get some money from him to cover the packages and shipping, he asked when I could pay him back. He's like a freaking loan shark. 
I said never mind, I will just do without, so that I can send you things that you can buy while you are on the ship, you just don't want to. 

He received 3 packages, there are 3 more already sent and he is already bugging me about when I will go back and buy more things for the next package. I can't afford any more. He doesn't understand that. 
I'm BROKE non stop BROKE. 

Being the constant broke has just added to my depression and he doesn't understand that. I've been nothing but depressed since he left. Because of many things. But money has been one of the big ones. 
I go to work and I feel like I am on an island all day long at work. All by myself.
Then I come home, all by myself, and spend the evenings alone. Being miserable. 
I'm all alone, our dog passed away. So its just me. Normally when I was single, it didn't bother me to be alone because I frequently did things or had things going on. Or I would come home and get on the internet and chat with friends and feel like I wasn't on an island by myself. 
I was also on proper medication. 
Over the years my headaches have changed there for my medication changed. 
My current doctor said she is not giving me anymore anti-depressants. I have to go see a shrink. She said she has tried me on enough and nothing is helping. 
I really did not want to go see a shrink because I really cannot afford another co pay to be added to what I already pay to see my other doctors. 
I was really hoping that she would just put me back on something that had worked before. But she didn't want to because the drug I was on was known to cause weight gain and I did gain weight with it. 

So basically, I am going to have to find a shrink. I've been looking but I just figured maybe I could get myself out of this mess and feel better. But nothing is working. I just feel lonely, and sad and depressed all the time. 
I sent him an email explaining the non stop broke part to him. He doesn't get it. His solution, well stop sending me so many packages. Are you serious? Then I would have to listen to you do nothing but complain about how the food sucks and you have nothing to eat. 
So I finally told him I can't handle the depression anymore. My life just sucks. I just want to lock myself in the house and never come out. I don't want to speak to people, but I want to complain how alone I feel. 
I am just miserable. 
So I tell him I am going to see a counselor or doctor because I can't live like this anymore. I feel like I have nothing to live for. 
What is his response? Oh he flips out on me and of course says I am wasting my money and its too expensive to go get help. 
Well I can't help what my insurance doesn't cover. So either I go where they say and pay the copay or I pay it all in cash, or I follow his advice and just not go. 

You can never just tell someone with severe depression to just "snap out of it". There is a chemical imbalance that is causing the problem. Don't you think if I could snap out of it that I would???
I don't want to live like this. 
I am totally miserable. 

And so the deployment goes ...

The deployment continues. 
Today is Day 19 that he has been gone of probably at least 220 more to go. 
I say at least because although they have given the sailors on the ship a false sense of security with an anticipated return date, I know the Navy will probably delay the return. 
Too much is going on in the world for the US not to need this ship to be extended. 
Tomorrow I have an appt with a new Rheumatologist. I am very tired of the NOTHING I was getting from my old Rheumy. He was just like lets wait and see. No, I can't wait and see, I hurt all the time and I am miserable. I can't really live my life unless they can give me something that will really help me and make me feel better. 

So far, his deployment has been pretty good for him. They have docked in 3 countries so far and he has gotten to go and enjoy some sites and enjoy some good food. I am happy when he gets to get off the boat and really enjoy some down time. I wish he had've called me at his last port, but with the time difference and when he was off the boat, it just wasn't possible. 
I was laying in bed the other night and it really hit me exactly how long it will be before he comes home. All the rest of winter, all of spring, all of summer. 
Geez, its like he is missing everything. He will come home with a few weeks of summer left and then go right into fall. 
We are trying to figure out what to do for the wedding. I am thinking that we should just go to Vegas and get married. I don't want a wedding at all, I just wanted to do the courthouse. But he wants something.
I've been saving up my frequent flier miles, so I think I can get us to Vegas. He can pay for the hotel!
There are lots of wedding options in Vegas. Including an option that includes a ride over the Vegas strip after the wedding in a helicopter. I've never been in a helicopter, so I think it would be cool. 
Who knows, we have many more days to go before I even can book anything because I have to wait until they set a date to even think about it. 
I at least have a general time frame, so I know I need to think about a dress of some sort. It will be Vegas, so it can be super simple. Maybe I can hit a clearance sale, I hate paying full retail for anything. 

When he comes back, we will have been together for 5 years. To me that seems like a good long dating period before we get married. I think in 5 yrs we have it all figured out.

He said they should be hitting a port soon, of course he can't say where or when, but he did say he would try to call. 

I really miss hearing his voice.

Deployment Day Two

Well, it is Deployment Day Two. The sailor left yesterday for at least 8 months. 

Last night I went out to dinner and drinks with 2 friends whose husbands are also in the Navy. We had a great time, just drank way too much. But it was day one for me, so we sort of sent him off with a bang. 

I decided when he announced the deployment, that I would make myself some serious goals and then do my best to stick to them. Some of the goals are professional, some are personal, and some are just organizational related to the house. 

So I figured this would be a good time to go ahead and list out what my goals are. 

1. Work on my professional certifications. I bought a study program to help prep for Microsoft Certifications. I plan to work on 4 different ones. Getting these certifications will really help me as far as work goes. It will improve my job positioning and could lead to a higher earning potential. 

2. Finish my book! I have created a character and I have the outline of how the book will flow. I've just only had time to write the first few pages. It is frustrating because I really want to make time to get this book done! I've decided that since I will have more time, I will be able to finish it.

3. Organize my craft room. I need shelves going down one wall. I need to go through everything that I have and get it up on shelves and organized. My current chair in there is broken, my table is all a mess. I want my craft room to be organized, and easy to use, and a place I can go and get stuff done. 

4. Get my scrapbooking caught up. I finally finished 2010, but I have not started on 2011 and I have some big trips in 2011. I want to get all of 2011, 2012 and start on 2013 before 2013 is over. I am tired of being so behind.

5. Repaint the house. I want to redo some of the rooms in the house. The house was a different color in every room when he bought the house, he repainted some of the rooms, but I just do not like the colors. I want to repaint some of the rooms and pick better colors. 

6. Plant some veggies. I realize I cannot do this until the spring. But several summers ago, we had a nice garden area all around our fence. He grew some of the most random things. But I am going to plan out and actually grow some things that I want to eat like tomatoes, bell peppers and squash. 

7. Lose Weight! I was on a good path of doing DDP yoga and bike riding along with eating better for about 6 plus weeks. I lost like 12-14 lbs. I haven't gained it all back. But I was struck with really bad headaches, and it was impossible to do anything. So my plan is to get back on the routine that I was on. My first goal will be to get back to my high school graduation weight, which was 195. I weighed myself the other day and I was at 216.5. So once I hit 195 then I will set goals for 20 lbs at a time after that. Hopefully, I can make some progress and be able to look half way decent when we get married. 

8. Keep up with my couponing and get a good stock built up of the stuff that costs so much like shampoo, detergents, cleaners, etc. I also want to build up a good supply of paper products for my workshops, and snacks.

9. Increase my Creative Memories business. Right now I am filling my calendar with workshops. I need to find a better location for workshops in Chesapeake, but I am still working on that. I want to increase my attendance, which I think I can if I find a new location. 

10. Go back to church regularly and join a church. I have been attending one off and on. I kinda want to join, but I am not positive. I am going to keep going and see if I can make up my mind or if I need to pick a different church. Either way, I am going to make church a big goal for me. 

The Lovely Deployment Prep

The Lovely Deployment Prep

So this week is it, he has to finish all of his "getting everything to the ship" this week because of his work schedule and because of when they are leaving. 
So here he goes, he got a new mattress pad, a new pillow, and some other stuff for the ship.

I'm sad and depressed that he is leaving. Its like I have a grip on it one minute and then I don't have a grip 5 minutes later. He is the one who is leaving, so why am I the one that is depressed?

He is acting like he is going to be here for a another year. He has been buying things that clearly he will not use or even open before he leaves. 

Prime example, the new beer fridge and the new lumpia fryer. 
We had a party on New Year's Eve. This was the exact time and place for him to use the beer fridge and for him to use the new lumpia fryer. However, he because he likes to keep things in boxes and not use them, which I dont understand, he did not use the new beer fridge or the lumpia fryer. 
Instead he made me fry lumpia in the house, which the house STILL smells like fried food, which I hate. 
Why couldn't he just freaking hook up the new fryer? Why spend your money on something you are not going to be around to use. 

For my Christmas present he took an off handed comment that I made about a fridge in the bedroom as serious, and he seriously got me a small fridge for the bedroom. 
Thank goodness that i found the receipt in his car, because I will be taking it back. I honestly do not need a fridge in the bedroom. 
Especially when we have the new mini beer fridge in the garage that he has not even taken out of the box and hooked up yet. 

I'mt totally shocked that he hooked up the freezer. He bought a new freezer, not the style I wanted, the style he wanted, right before deployment. Do I seriously need a 20 cu foot freezer for myself?

He makes me crazy. But I  guess his crazy purchase behavior has just been because he is not getting a grip that he is leaving. 

I have no clue how it is going to be for our next couple of days I've got with him. I want to spend as much time with him, but his work schedule, my work schedule, its going to be rough.