My anxiety has pretty much taken over my life at this point. I should be able to go out and enjoy myself or even go to work and have a good day, but it is just not happening.
I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to go anywhere.
After our dog passed away in October, we have been discussing the point of getting a new dog. Our dog was a Chinese Shar Pei, so I have been researching all of the Shar Pei rescues and looking for what I consider to be a good match for us. Recently, I found what I thought was the perfect match. So I started the application process. I got a few questions in, and my anxiety of being judged just took over and I couldn't finish it.
The rescue of course wants to research the household for every dog they place. Which I totally understand. I just was not prepared for how the investigation into my life was going to make me feel.
There is no reason why we could not adopt a dog. We have a big house, nice back yard, a doggie door, no kids, no other pets and we both LOVE dogs. But even all of that, I just could not finish the application because I felt like every question was judgmental, and a personal attack. So I did not finish the application. Even though this dog is perfect for us, I just started to get so anxious I just could not finish.
I have been deliberately cutting out the people who I feel judge me the most. Those who I feel have the most nasty comments about my life and my relationship, I'm just not talking to anymore. Which apparently, they feel the same, because they have not attempted to speak to me either. So obviously, they have seen that I have been upset, and they are trying to leave me alone I guess.
I am just going to try to do some other things and meet some other people. I went to my first FRG meeting. Since I am one of the very few who do not have children, I feel like I may be able to help them. I'm participating in the fundraisers, so maybe I can actually be of some help. They seem a little overwhelmed and under manned.
There is also a civic league that has started in the past year for our neighborhood. I think they meet like the 2nd Tuesday of each month. I have to check the actual schedule. I was involved in the Civic League for my old neighborhood for years. I also want to get involved in church. For too long I've been on a path of doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.
I'm in counseling and I totally expect it to help me get out of this and get my depression and anxiety under control. I want to be able to live a normal life and feel happy to go to work, happy to be out of the house, happy to be alive. But right now, I am nothing but sad, and anxious all the time. It is misery.
I honestly just wish that I had someone that I could talk to besides my therapist.
