Saturday, April 27, 2013

Half Way

So today was the half way party or family picnic as it became. 
The FRG President spontaneously stepped down right before it, so the event was a communication nightmare. 
The event also took unorganization to a new level. 
I'm hoping that since there will be a election of new officers that things will be better organized. 
The only thing that I do not understand is how some of these women function on a daily basis with their children. Some of these kids were just all over the place, hurting themselves, hurting each other. OMG, I have never seen kids like these. I dont get it. 

I've been feeling bad, like having a fever since Thursday. Friday, I had such a fever and chills, episode that I could not even get out of bed. It was awful. Tylenol has intermittantly been helping. I was super sick this morning, but I took some tylenol and I was able to function at the half way. Right when I was getting ready to leave, I felt my fever start to creep back on, so I knew it was time to leave. 

I got home and took some tylenol, actually I've taken it 3 times and I still am burning up. I feel like crap. I am going to go take a cool shower and see if that helps bring my fever down. Not only is my head screaming, but my neck is real stiff, I have real bad leg pain, and  a couple of random itchy spots on me. 

Monday, April 22, 2013

Still want to hide

I had just a horrible day at work. 
It was rainy and miserable outside and it just made me feel even worse on the inside. I got to work and it was a day just like any other. Spent all day on my island. 
It would be nice if my isolation at work had some purpose, like I am contagious or something. But it really does not have a purpose other than most of the things I work on, do not involve anyone else. Hence the island. 
Tomorrow, I have another counseling appointment with my counselor and then I think next week is when I see the shrink for my meds. 

I wanted to update a post that I posted awhile back about the fundraiser at for the FRG. Apparently, the FRG President wasn't there. The person who loudly and rudely said "I don't know who she is" is the FRG Treasurer. I can see from the last meeting why absolutely nothing gets accomplished with the FRG. The current President is very mousy and quiet and not commanding like an organization president should be. She had no control over the last FRG meeting. Most of the women brought their WILD children and did not to anything at all to keep an eye on them. They just let them run wild and make a mess all over the place. 
She said that she is electing new officers for the FRG, because her husband is retiring, so she needs to step down. No one really seems interested in running for president. They announced that the half way party is actually a half way family picnic, but they have still not picked a location. It is this Saturday. I rec'd an email tonight, and it looks like they will be having it at a park on base. Which I do not understand, why they won't have it at one of the city parks in va beach because those are much easier to get to, and everyone can come. When you have events exclusively on base, you eliminate part of the attendance. At the last meeting, there was a guy's mom who was there. Well obviously, if they have it on base, she can't go. There was one girlfriend who was there, but she is civil service, and BFF's with another wife from the ship, so she has not problem getting on base. I wish they would do it some place that is more central, because some people live on the other side of the water and really do not want to be driving to oceana. 
Anyways, I was hoping that maybe next year they would elect FRG officers so I could run for a position, but since they are electing them this year I cannot. They don't know me at all. Right now, I am not in the best frame of mind to do it either. With my depression, I am not much fun to be around. 

Sunday, April 21, 2013

The Judgmental Microscope

My anxiety has pretty much taken over my life at this point. I should be able to go out and enjoy myself or even go to work and have a good day, but it is just not happening. 
I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to go anywhere. 
After our dog passed away in October, we have been discussing the point of getting a new dog. Our dog was a Chinese Shar Pei, so I have been researching all of the Shar Pei rescues and looking for what I consider to be a good match for us. Recently, I found what I thought was the perfect match. So I started the application process. I got a few questions in, and my anxiety of being judged just took over and I couldn't finish it. 
The rescue of course wants to research the household for every dog they place. Which I totally understand. I just was not prepared for how the investigation into my life was going to make me feel. 
There is no reason why we could not adopt a dog. We have a big house, nice back yard, a doggie door, no kids, no other pets and we both LOVE dogs. But even all of that, I just could not finish the application because I felt like every question was judgmental, and a personal attack. So I did not finish the application. Even though this dog is perfect for us, I just started to get so anxious I just could not finish. 
I have been deliberately cutting out the people who I feel judge me the most. Those who I feel have the most nasty comments about my life and my relationship, I'm just not talking to anymore. Which apparently, they feel the same, because they have not attempted to speak to me either. So obviously, they have seen that I have been upset, and they are trying to leave me alone I guess. 
I am just going to try to do some other things and meet some other people. I went to my first FRG meeting. Since I am one of the very few who do not have children, I feel like I may be able to help them. I'm participating in the fundraisers, so maybe I can actually be of some help. They seem a little overwhelmed and under manned. 
There is also a civic league that has started in the past year for our neighborhood. I think they meet like the 2nd Tuesday of each month. I have to check the actual schedule. I was involved in the Civic League for my old neighborhood for years. I also want to get involved in church. For too long I've been on a path of doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. 
I'm in counseling and I totally expect it to help me get out of this and get my depression and anxiety under control. I want to be able to live a normal life and feel happy to go to work, happy to be out of the house, happy to be alive. But right now, I am nothing but sad, and anxious all the time. It is misery. 

I honestly just wish that I had someone that I could talk to besides my therapist. 

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

So I've been seeing a shrink ....

OK, Well technically she is a counselor, because she is not an MD. They only have 2 MDs in the office, and only one takes my insurance. So you have to meet with a counselor first, and I guess determine if there is a real need for medication, then you meet with an MD, so you get this combination of drugs and therapy. 
Which, OK ... That is nice. 
I was really afraid that my shrink was going to be all judgmental like the people in my life who do not hesitate to tell me I am doing everything wrong. But so far she has been really curious as to why people seem to think what I do and how I live is bad.
We have had several conversations about the key issues that keep coming up and she seems to be of the opinion that I am making the right choice, all be it, a slow and non commitment choice. 

She wants me to get over my fear of commitment and at least be willing to join our cell phone plans when he returns, even if I am not ready to get married. I should at least be ready to take some step. 
I actually like the fact that she is teaching me how to deal with the judgmental people, instead of my usual way of hiding in the house all the time and not wanting to go anywhere for fear of judgment. 
She is moving me towards confronting those who constantly judge me and who are constantly telling me I need to do this, and I need to do that. 
Even my own family does not tell me what to do, so it is super weird to hear it from someone who is not in the 3F's.

She has suggested that I take small steps, and work my way up to dealing with the judgement. But clearly, me deciding to hide in my house all the time and not speak to anyone for fear of judgment, is not really going to make me feel any better. 
Right now, all I want to do is just hide in the house all the time and not be around those who are constantly telling me what I need to change. 

I don't think anyone really understands how I feel. I can't stand living under a microscope, so I have decided to live under a rock. My depression is so bad, I don't want to see anyone, speak to anyone, go anywhere or do anything. I spend most of my time about 5 minutes away from throwing myself off a bridge. 
But how do I tell people, GTF out of my business?
Well I've stopped venting. 
If something happens and I am upset by it and I want to vent about it, back in the day, I would write it in my journal. For awhile I was putting notes on Facebook, my space, live journal etc. But people feel like because you put it out there, it is open for comment. 
So hence the microscope.
So I have started when I need to vent about something, about how I feel, what I am doing is sitting down and either writing it all out by hand, emailing myself how I feel, or I am just plainly discussing it with myself. 
I do the discussing mostly in the car, because then it looks like I am singing to the radio. But since I am at home alone all the time, I can talk to myself all I want and no one hears me so it doesn't really matter. 
But the main point, is I am NO LONGER venting about my situation or situations to human ears. 
If a situation or situations comes up and I am invited someplace but cannot afford to go, instead of launching into a vent about how freaking expensive this cruise has been or expressing my not happiness with money, Instead I will just politely say, no, I have other plans. 
I can always hang out with my niece and nephew, or my dad, so I am not truly lying when I say I have other plans. 
And trust me, my garage needs some serious work to be done to it, so I will be at home cleaning out the garage starting this weekend and trying to get all of the junk out of there. 

If anyone, especially the microscope people, ask me anything about anything, I will simply shit rainbows and unicorns for them. No more telling the truth, no more expressing myself, no more venting, no more anything but happiness and joy.
True, I will basically be lying, but if you are one of those who constantly puts me under a microscope, then you don't really care about me or my feelings, and it won't bother you when I end up throwing myself off a bridge. 

I am going to upload non stop pictures of kittens and puppies and unicorns and rainbows and portray nothing but severe happiness to the outside world. 
Those who are intent on looking at me through a microscope will have nothing to look at. 

Monday, April 8, 2013

More Judgement

I've made up my mind that I am going to insert myself into the life of the ship's FRG come hell or high water. I don't care that I am not wanted because we aren't married. I don't care that the FRG President does not like me and refuses to include me. I don't care. I am going to insert myself into the damn FRG and these people are just going to have to deal with me. 
This is not high school, and you cannot just say that the FRG is your clique group of friends and no one else is allowed. That is no way to run an FRG. 
Unfortunately, I have heard many times that this happens, especially with smaller commands and it is a key few women who run the FRG, get on a power trip, and basically exclude anyone that they do not like, and the FRG gets turned into nothing and sometimes they are forced to disband. 
I hope that does not happen with the FRG for his ship. From what I understand, the FRG has had the same President since he has been on the ship in 2010. Basically, the FRG has consistently done NOTHING over and over. I got zero emails, and nothing but one snotty reply in the first year that he was on the ship. I finally started getting the emails from the CMC and OMB late last year. But I still get nothing from the FRG. 
The first time a communication went out, I forwarded the email that he had sent me that was the FRG President's response to asking me to be added to the list. No response. 
So recently, another communication came out from the OMB, about a fundraiser for the FRG, and yet again, I responded to the FRG President with why am I not getting your emails. I got snotty response #1 of are you related to anyone on the ship? To which I responded and then again forwarded the FRG Pres response to my sailor, YET AGAIN, twice now. 
I finally got a response that I was not added to the list. But I would be. 
I never got a response on the FRG fundraiser or anything. Only that another email would come out and I would get it. 
Well of course, yesterday was the FRG Fundraiser, and I only knew the details thanks to the OMB. 
So you know what? Even though I did not get the word from the FRG President, I went anyways. I feel like she is deliberately excluding me. I do not buy these "I am having problems with my email" stories. I am in the IT field, fool someone else.

Of course I get to the FRG fundraiser and I have NO idea who any of the people are from the FRG. There was a friend of mine there, she has a friend, (who I have met once) who's hub is on the ship. So there were two people I could speak too. 
But I feel like if you are any kind of officer with the FRG, you should go around and introduce yourself to anyone that you do not know. Not just make some comment to someone else, (loud enough for everyone to hear), I don't know who she is. Well fucking introduce yourself. Act like a damn leader. 
I can't stand it when people who have no fucking social skills are in charge of something. Act your role, greet everyone, thank them for coming, don't be a bitch and loudly say you dont know someone. 

I know that there is a meeting coming up, but no one has announced the location. I am waiting to hear where it will be. When I find out where it will be I am going to try to do everything I can to go to the meeting. 
I don't care that they want to play high school clique. I am going to go to the damn meeting and they will have to fucking deal with me.