Sunday, May 26, 2013

Trying to keep it together

I'm really trying to keep it together, but I am falling apart. 
I should be in a totally happy mode because I have the date when he will be home and he is actually coming home early ahead of the ship. So it should be extremely exciting. 
I should also be getting better because I have been on Cymbalta for about 3 weeks, so I should really be feeling much better. 
I have noticed that the Cymbalta has helped with alot of the aches and pains that I have been having. Although, I have been having some new stuff. Normally, its my right knee that is always swollen and hurting but for some reason, my left knee is giving me trouble these days. I think it has to do with how I sit. I dont even realize that I do it, but I have a horrible habit of sitting on my foot. 

I had hoped that I would be able to quit the drinking to make myself feel better, and just feel better and not have to deal with being all mopey and glum all the time. But it just isn't working. Sometimes I do really feel good, but most of the time I don't. The depression is still there. I've tried to follow what my therapist says, and when I am sad, think of positive things. She suggested that when I get all sad, start planning our vacation, look at pictures that make me happy, go for a walk, force myself to leave the house even though I don't want to. 

I try. But its not happening. 

Last night I was lonely and decided to go out, well of course, I drank too much. Tonight I went out for awhile, but I drank 2 beers and 2 bottles of water. Then suddenly the bar was overwhelmed by these 2 large groups, and I had already felt weird because there was this old guy staring at me. I kinda felt like I wanted to leave, so when I went to get my check, because of the old guy staring at me, I timed it perfectly, as the first of the 2 large groups were walking in. I just felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. Normally it takes quite a bit to creep me out. So when I get creeped out, there is something not right. 
I think maybe the reason that I was being creeped out by the old guy was because I wasn't drunk. In the amount of time that I was there, I would have normally had at least 4 beers, and no soda or water. So me only having 2, and then having 2 bottles of water, and then leaving is like a miracle for me. 
But it is not a miracle that I just suddenly was not comfortable with a place that I frequent. 
I can't count the number of times that I have been to this particular bar. I can't count the number of creeps that I have seen at this bar. But for some reason, I just started having a panic attack. 

Maybe somehow that is a good thing that I just had to bail, because I didn't stay and drink. I just didn't feel comfortable at all there. So maybe it is good for me to not want to be there. Now I just have to get to where I have no desire to drink anymore to be social and have fun. 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Moving On

So things have been a little weird lately. A couple weeks ago I had these crazy symptoms and I was sick for over a week. 
Luckily, its gone. 
During the time frame when I was getting over it, I met my shrink who put me on Cymbalta. Cymbalta is supposed to not only help me with my depression, but it is supposed to help with the random weird pains that I am having all of the time. 
My shrink seems to think that eventually Cymbalta will get rid of my headaches and it will make me feel better. 
I hope he is right and it does all of those things. I am now in my 3rd week of taking Cymbalta. I have noticed that some of the pain is reduced, so I am hoping that that part will get better at least. 
However, I can't say that the depression is any better. I think the main reason that I can't move beyond this depression is that I was dumped by two friends. Here I am at my worst, I was really sick, and I get dumped. Neither has spoken to me since I came home from the ER. Which is crazy because if either of them had been in the ER, then I would have been worried and checked back in at least once a day to see what the heck was going on. 
So what do I do, Do I call them all groveling and be like I don't know what I did to upset you, but I am sorry for whatever it is. Or do I just keep moving on and act like nothing is going on?
My typical way to deal with them is to not deal with them. So I am sure I will just keep treading water and see what happens. 

I'm just not sure that my new med is helping with the depression. I still feel like I don't want to leave the house and I still feel like I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. 

My biggest problem in all of this is my coping mechanism has been taken away. I used to always drink when I had something going on that I could not deal with. I would just get trashed, the problem was still there, but at least for the minutes or hours that I was drunk I didn't feel whatever was going on. 

Well now that I am on Cymbalta, I am not supposed to drink at all. Those who regularly drink on Cymbalta can have some serious liver damage, so I need to stop. 

I've only drank once in this past month. I just haven't really felt like going anywhere. 

I just dont know how am I supposed to deal with all of this. 

Monday, May 13, 2013

Forward Progress

Well, I guess I have made some forward progress. 
I spent a week sick as a dog, I went o several doctors and even the emergency room. 
I'm sure the bills are going to be lovely.
I have finally finished my course of medication. I just have to go back next week for a final redo of the blood work to make sure that my white blood cell count is back to normal.

I took a step in the moving forward by meeting with the psychiatrist and getting on medication. He has started me on Cymbalta. He seems to think he can get me on care that will solve the depression and the headaches. He said I should have been in psychiatric care 10-15 yrs ago. 

I took another step forward by applying to the rescue to adopt a dog. I made it through the first part. I have the home inspection set up on Saturday. I am not sure if I will actually go through with the adoption or not. I emailed the sailor and even sent him a picture of the dog I want to adopt who is just gorgeous and he said he wants to wait to get a dog. He actually said he wants to start a family when he gets back. 
My response to that is WTF?????
A baby? Seriously?
For some reason he just does not understand that I am too old. I am freaking 38 and I will be 39 here in Nov. He missed that window. Even if I have my Mirena taken out, the odds are not remotely good that I will conceive and have a normal baby. I am just too old. 
He just doesn't get it. 

This is the fear that I have though, he can't accept the fact that I am too old for a baby, and he leaves me because he really wants a child. So I am sure I will get the mirena out to make him happy, but I am not sure how he will handle it when I don't magically get pregnant. 

The main issue too is that I DO NOT WANT children. I do not have a maternal bone in my body. I do not have the desire to change diapers and be up all night. I do not see a baby as a bundle of joy. I see it as a life sucking leech.