Wednesday, April 17, 2013

So I've been seeing a shrink ....

OK, Well technically she is a counselor, because she is not an MD. They only have 2 MDs in the office, and only one takes my insurance. So you have to meet with a counselor first, and I guess determine if there is a real need for medication, then you meet with an MD, so you get this combination of drugs and therapy. 
Which, OK ... That is nice. 
I was really afraid that my shrink was going to be all judgmental like the people in my life who do not hesitate to tell me I am doing everything wrong. But so far she has been really curious as to why people seem to think what I do and how I live is bad.
We have had several conversations about the key issues that keep coming up and she seems to be of the opinion that I am making the right choice, all be it, a slow and non commitment choice. 

She wants me to get over my fear of commitment and at least be willing to join our cell phone plans when he returns, even if I am not ready to get married. I should at least be ready to take some step. 
I actually like the fact that she is teaching me how to deal with the judgmental people, instead of my usual way of hiding in the house all the time and not wanting to go anywhere for fear of judgment. 
She is moving me towards confronting those who constantly judge me and who are constantly telling me I need to do this, and I need to do that. 
Even my own family does not tell me what to do, so it is super weird to hear it from someone who is not in the 3F's.

She has suggested that I take small steps, and work my way up to dealing with the judgement. But clearly, me deciding to hide in my house all the time and not speak to anyone for fear of judgment, is not really going to make me feel any better. 
Right now, all I want to do is just hide in the house all the time and not be around those who are constantly telling me what I need to change. 

I don't think anyone really understands how I feel. I can't stand living under a microscope, so I have decided to live under a rock. My depression is so bad, I don't want to see anyone, speak to anyone, go anywhere or do anything. I spend most of my time about 5 minutes away from throwing myself off a bridge. 
But how do I tell people, GTF out of my business?
Well I've stopped venting. 
If something happens and I am upset by it and I want to vent about it, back in the day, I would write it in my journal. For awhile I was putting notes on Facebook, my space, live journal etc. But people feel like because you put it out there, it is open for comment. 
So hence the microscope.
So I have started when I need to vent about something, about how I feel, what I am doing is sitting down and either writing it all out by hand, emailing myself how I feel, or I am just plainly discussing it with myself. 
I do the discussing mostly in the car, because then it looks like I am singing to the radio. But since I am at home alone all the time, I can talk to myself all I want and no one hears me so it doesn't really matter. 
But the main point, is I am NO LONGER venting about my situation or situations to human ears. 
If a situation or situations comes up and I am invited someplace but cannot afford to go, instead of launching into a vent about how freaking expensive this cruise has been or expressing my not happiness with money, Instead I will just politely say, no, I have other plans. 
I can always hang out with my niece and nephew, or my dad, so I am not truly lying when I say I have other plans. 
And trust me, my garage needs some serious work to be done to it, so I will be at home cleaning out the garage starting this weekend and trying to get all of the junk out of there. 

If anyone, especially the microscope people, ask me anything about anything, I will simply shit rainbows and unicorns for them. No more telling the truth, no more expressing myself, no more venting, no more anything but happiness and joy.
True, I will basically be lying, but if you are one of those who constantly puts me under a microscope, then you don't really care about me or my feelings, and it won't bother you when I end up throwing myself off a bridge. 

I am going to upload non stop pictures of kittens and puppies and unicorns and rainbows and portray nothing but severe happiness to the outside world. 
Those who are intent on looking at me through a microscope will have nothing to look at.