Wednesday, March 27, 2013

And it gets worse

As if my situation right now cannot get any worse, it has. 
I probably should not let other people get to me, but I do. I wish people would just step back and realize that whatever they have worked out as a plan for their life and their marriage, is not necessarily the plan that will work best for everyone. 

I've made decisions, Maybe they aren't what other people would make, but they are my decisions. 
What I don't understand, and I guess I never will is the judgement. 
I am the type of person where I don't care what someone does in their own house, if it works for them, great, help yourself, I don't care. 
Own all the guns you want, smoke all the pot you want, marry all the gay people you want, I don't freaking care. 
Everyone does things differently, and there are too many freaking different things going on to get all up in someone's business and care what is going on. 
I guess I am just apathetic, because I just honestly do not give a crap, at all. 
But when people make up their mind that I personally am doing something wrong, and it does not affect them at all, that gets under my skin. 

Recently someone said the phrase "Why don't you tell her to ......."
My response was simple, I don't tell anyone what to do about anything.

Its not really my place. Mostly, because I don't really care unless it is something that affects me. For most people, it doesn't. 

I know I am rambling in circles, but I guess my point is, I am seriously tired of the microscope and the prying eyes, and the people all up in my business. I'm tired of the judgement. I'm tired of the microscope and having people who don't live my life tell me how it should be. 

I guess I have just gotten a belly full of the judgement over and over and over and I am just tired of it. I just feel like I want to go home and climb under a rock and never come out. I'm miserable from all of the judgement. It makes me want to hide from the world. 
Its probably a good thing that I have to leave the house for work and other things or else I seriously would not. I would just hide and keep the prying judgmental eyes away from me. 

I feel totally judged and under a microscope and people wonder why I am severely depressed.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Life Goes On

My life is going on, but I feel like I am standing still. 
The sailor left in early January, but Luckily I have been able to keep in regular contact with him. 

I talk to him about once a week on the phone, but normally I get an email from him at least once a day. 

Unfortunately, I feel like I am talking to a brick wall most of the time. Yes, I realize he is deployed and his life sucks. Its not like he is on a vacation. 
But I dont think he has a grip on how hard things are at home. 

My first complaint is this notorious "deployment money". I am extremely deployment poor right now. We made an arrangement years ago since all the bills for the house were already set up and in his name, and on autopay, that I would just transfer money to him to help pay the bills. 
Well I honestly figured that since he was deployed, and making more money, that he would not need my money. Wrong. He still expects the same amount each paycheck to help him pay the bills. 
On top of that, I am spending ridiculous amounts of money sending him things. He constantly complains about how horrible the food on the ship is, and how he needs me to ship him certain things for him to eat. He expected me to go join Sams Club and pay the $40 fee out of my pocket and then buy him $60-$100 worth of beef jerky and ship it to him. All out of my pocket. He does not give me any money for the things he wants in the packages. NONE.

When I didn't immediately join a warehouse club and ship out the packages with beef jerky, he got pissed. Complaining that he has nothing to eat on the ship because he is running out of what he took with him. He laid this HUGE guilt trip on me which lead me to go spend money I didn't have. When I asked if I could get some money from him to cover the packages and shipping, he asked when I could pay him back. He's like a freaking loan shark. 
I said never mind, I will just do without, so that I can send you things that you can buy while you are on the ship, you just don't want to. 

He received 3 packages, there are 3 more already sent and he is already bugging me about when I will go back and buy more things for the next package. I can't afford any more. He doesn't understand that. 
I'm BROKE non stop BROKE. 

Being the constant broke has just added to my depression and he doesn't understand that. I've been nothing but depressed since he left. Because of many things. But money has been one of the big ones. 
I go to work and I feel like I am on an island all day long at work. All by myself.
Then I come home, all by myself, and spend the evenings alone. Being miserable. 
I'm all alone, our dog passed away. So its just me. Normally when I was single, it didn't bother me to be alone because I frequently did things or had things going on. Or I would come home and get on the internet and chat with friends and feel like I wasn't on an island by myself. 
I was also on proper medication. 
Over the years my headaches have changed there for my medication changed. 
My current doctor said she is not giving me anymore anti-depressants. I have to go see a shrink. She said she has tried me on enough and nothing is helping. 
I really did not want to go see a shrink because I really cannot afford another co pay to be added to what I already pay to see my other doctors. 
I was really hoping that she would just put me back on something that had worked before. But she didn't want to because the drug I was on was known to cause weight gain and I did gain weight with it. 

So basically, I am going to have to find a shrink. I've been looking but I just figured maybe I could get myself out of this mess and feel better. But nothing is working. I just feel lonely, and sad and depressed all the time. 
I sent him an email explaining the non stop broke part to him. He doesn't get it. His solution, well stop sending me so many packages. Are you serious? Then I would have to listen to you do nothing but complain about how the food sucks and you have nothing to eat. 
So I finally told him I can't handle the depression anymore. My life just sucks. I just want to lock myself in the house and never come out. I don't want to speak to people, but I want to complain how alone I feel. 
I am just miserable. 
So I tell him I am going to see a counselor or doctor because I can't live like this anymore. I feel like I have nothing to live for. 
What is his response? Oh he flips out on me and of course says I am wasting my money and its too expensive to go get help. 
Well I can't help what my insurance doesn't cover. So either I go where they say and pay the copay or I pay it all in cash, or I follow his advice and just not go. 

You can never just tell someone with severe depression to just "snap out of it". There is a chemical imbalance that is causing the problem. Don't you think if I could snap out of it that I would???
I don't want to live like this. 
I am totally miserable.