Sunday, May 26, 2013

Trying to keep it together

I'm really trying to keep it together, but I am falling apart. 
I should be in a totally happy mode because I have the date when he will be home and he is actually coming home early ahead of the ship. So it should be extremely exciting. 
I should also be getting better because I have been on Cymbalta for about 3 weeks, so I should really be feeling much better. 
I have noticed that the Cymbalta has helped with alot of the aches and pains that I have been having. Although, I have been having some new stuff. Normally, its my right knee that is always swollen and hurting but for some reason, my left knee is giving me trouble these days. I think it has to do with how I sit. I dont even realize that I do it, but I have a horrible habit of sitting on my foot. 

I had hoped that I would be able to quit the drinking to make myself feel better, and just feel better and not have to deal with being all mopey and glum all the time. But it just isn't working. Sometimes I do really feel good, but most of the time I don't. The depression is still there. I've tried to follow what my therapist says, and when I am sad, think of positive things. She suggested that when I get all sad, start planning our vacation, look at pictures that make me happy, go for a walk, force myself to leave the house even though I don't want to. 

I try. But its not happening. 

Last night I was lonely and decided to go out, well of course, I drank too much. Tonight I went out for awhile, but I drank 2 beers and 2 bottles of water. Then suddenly the bar was overwhelmed by these 2 large groups, and I had already felt weird because there was this old guy staring at me. I kinda felt like I wanted to leave, so when I went to get my check, because of the old guy staring at me, I timed it perfectly, as the first of the 2 large groups were walking in. I just felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. Normally it takes quite a bit to creep me out. So when I get creeped out, there is something not right. 
I think maybe the reason that I was being creeped out by the old guy was because I wasn't drunk. In the amount of time that I was there, I would have normally had at least 4 beers, and no soda or water. So me only having 2, and then having 2 bottles of water, and then leaving is like a miracle for me. 
But it is not a miracle that I just suddenly was not comfortable with a place that I frequent. 
I can't count the number of times that I have been to this particular bar. I can't count the number of creeps that I have seen at this bar. But for some reason, I just started having a panic attack. 

Maybe somehow that is a good thing that I just had to bail, because I didn't stay and drink. I just didn't feel comfortable at all there. So maybe it is good for me to not want to be there. Now I just have to get to where I have no desire to drink anymore to be social and have fun.