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Wednesday, May 23, 2018
2018
I haven't made any Blog posts in a really long time. Honestly, I thought I had deleted my personal blog when I created our travel blog.
In 2015 my husband and I moved to California from Virginia. My husband and I moved to Oceanside, California, which is in the Northern Part of San Diego County. Oceanside is in between San Diego and Los Angeles.
In August of 2017, My husband was promoted to Chief. As part of the promotion he got new orders, which means we will be moving soon. His new assignment is in San Diego California. He could commute, but we have decided to go ahead and move. In Oceanside, we are living in on base housing and technically, Navy are not permitted to live there if they are assigned to San Diego. However, they turn a blind eye to it if the service member was assigned to CP and then gets transferred. Frequently people go back and forth with assignments between the two bases.
Both of us would like to be closer to the San Diego area. My husband and I like many things about Oceanside, but its like well we have been here, lets live someplace else. I personally would like to pursue some educational opportunities that are offered at San Diego State and potentially get another job.
When we moved from Virginia, I just kept my job and I work from home. The problem is, I work for a nonprofit in Virginia, and the pay difference between what I could make in California working for a government entity versus working for a religious nonprofit in Virginia is huge.
Also, when I moved, I told my employer I was only going to be working remotely for 3 years, and now I am at the end of that. I am afraid that they are going to get tired of me working remotely and use that as a reason to get rid of me. So I want to be prepared. There are people in other departments who have worked remotely due to their spouses employer relocation for years. It will be 10 yrs in July that I have been with my employer. But honestly, I am afraid because because I am not keeping my end of the bargain and coming back to Virginia as scheduled.
Since before we moved in Nov 2015, I have been off all anti depressants. I have fought with depression in California, but it has not been very bad at all.
I have been dealing with things the best I can and so far, I have not had any major episodes requiring me to go back on medication.
I will try to do some further updating later.
My father passed away in 2017, and I should do a long post about that.
In 2015 my husband and I moved to California from Virginia. My husband and I moved to Oceanside, California, which is in the Northern Part of San Diego County. Oceanside is in between San Diego and Los Angeles.
In August of 2017, My husband was promoted to Chief. As part of the promotion he got new orders, which means we will be moving soon. His new assignment is in San Diego California. He could commute, but we have decided to go ahead and move. In Oceanside, we are living in on base housing and technically, Navy are not permitted to live there if they are assigned to San Diego. However, they turn a blind eye to it if the service member was assigned to CP and then gets transferred. Frequently people go back and forth with assignments between the two bases.
Both of us would like to be closer to the San Diego area. My husband and I like many things about Oceanside, but its like well we have been here, lets live someplace else. I personally would like to pursue some educational opportunities that are offered at San Diego State and potentially get another job.
When we moved from Virginia, I just kept my job and I work from home. The problem is, I work for a nonprofit in Virginia, and the pay difference between what I could make in California working for a government entity versus working for a religious nonprofit in Virginia is huge.
Also, when I moved, I told my employer I was only going to be working remotely for 3 years, and now I am at the end of that. I am afraid that they are going to get tired of me working remotely and use that as a reason to get rid of me. So I want to be prepared. There are people in other departments who have worked remotely due to their spouses employer relocation for years. It will be 10 yrs in July that I have been with my employer. But honestly, I am afraid because because I am not keeping my end of the bargain and coming back to Virginia as scheduled.
Since before we moved in Nov 2015, I have been off all anti depressants. I have fought with depression in California, but it has not been very bad at all.
I have been dealing with things the best I can and so far, I have not had any major episodes requiring me to go back on medication.
I will try to do some further updating later.
My father passed away in 2017, and I should do a long post about that.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Cooking Up Frustration
I've never been one who was really into cooking. Mainly because I have always worked a job where I got off work at 5-6pm and by the time I get home, I feel like I am already behind the dinner schedule.
When I was married to the moron, he worked nights for awhile, so I worked until 630pm, I would get home at 7pm. He would get up at 10pm, so I had time to cook. Or mostly because I was dealing with other issues, I would "Slap together" something.
Spaghetti, hot dogs, mac n cheese, hamburger helper, etc. All of those quick and crappy foods.
Over the past year or so, I've become more interested in what we eat, instead of just eating it. I rarely make pasta or processed foods. I personally, just want to cook mostly meats and veggies. My husband is Asian, so every meal is supposed to have rice of course. And unfortunately, too many times, I cheat and take the easy way out and make rice because its easy. Water and rice in the rice cooker, BAM. Its done.
My issue still remains that I don't feel like I have time to cook. I feel like when I get off work at 5p, my life is in fast forward and I don't have a minute to sit down.
Normally, my husband gets off work around 4pm, so he is home way before me. So therefor since he is home, he starts cooking. Sometimes we cook together, but mostly he cooks. I will assist and make side dishes.
Here recently, he has been working until 8pm and not getting home until 815-820. So it has given me a chance to get dinner on the table.
So last week I cooked somethings that I normally do like stir fry. I tried cooking pork chops a different way.
This week I have already experimented with tilapia, shrimp and crab cakes.
I enjoy trying new things and cooking different stuff, but I think my frustration is my husband. He wants to eat the same thing all the time, Filipino Food, steak, sushi. Pretty much that is his diet. He doesn't want to enjoy some of the crockpot recipes I came up with.
He also loves to pull this, "Thats not what I want, lets go out to eat" thing when he is on the way home. Its happened before where I have started dinner, and then have to put everything back up.
I think the last time it happened, he realized how bad it upset me and he hasn't done it in awhile.
I think I am going to seize this opportunity of him working late and try to cook some stuff. Maybe I will be searching around for recipes.
Wish me luck in my culinary adventures.
When I was married to the moron, he worked nights for awhile, so I worked until 630pm, I would get home at 7pm. He would get up at 10pm, so I had time to cook. Or mostly because I was dealing with other issues, I would "Slap together" something.
Spaghetti, hot dogs, mac n cheese, hamburger helper, etc. All of those quick and crappy foods.
Over the past year or so, I've become more interested in what we eat, instead of just eating it. I rarely make pasta or processed foods. I personally, just want to cook mostly meats and veggies. My husband is Asian, so every meal is supposed to have rice of course. And unfortunately, too many times, I cheat and take the easy way out and make rice because its easy. Water and rice in the rice cooker, BAM. Its done.
My issue still remains that I don't feel like I have time to cook. I feel like when I get off work at 5p, my life is in fast forward and I don't have a minute to sit down.
Normally, my husband gets off work around 4pm, so he is home way before me. So therefor since he is home, he starts cooking. Sometimes we cook together, but mostly he cooks. I will assist and make side dishes.
Here recently, he has been working until 8pm and not getting home until 815-820. So it has given me a chance to get dinner on the table.
So last week I cooked somethings that I normally do like stir fry. I tried cooking pork chops a different way.
This week I have already experimented with tilapia, shrimp and crab cakes.
I enjoy trying new things and cooking different stuff, but I think my frustration is my husband. He wants to eat the same thing all the time, Filipino Food, steak, sushi. Pretty much that is his diet. He doesn't want to enjoy some of the crockpot recipes I came up with.
He also loves to pull this, "Thats not what I want, lets go out to eat" thing when he is on the way home. Its happened before where I have started dinner, and then have to put everything back up.
I think the last time it happened, he realized how bad it upset me and he hasn't done it in awhile.
I think I am going to seize this opportunity of him working late and try to cook some stuff. Maybe I will be searching around for recipes.
Wish me luck in my culinary adventures.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
The Stalker Story
Over the past year or so, I started using this app for Smart Phones called Foursquare. Basically, it lets you "check in" to the merchant or restaurant where you are. The merchant sets up their page and they can offer discounts or coupons.
Its also a great place for reviews and photos of the business.
So I started using it a couple years ago and I have gotten a crazy amount of free stuff, hats, bags, free food, and all sorts of discounts at places. It has been great.
Well while my husband was deployed, I really got into it and I was checking in to every single place I went, every single day.
Anyone could have looked at my account on Foursquare and seen exactly where I was at any time.
Which is exactly what happened.
This random person, Jeff, started following me on Foursquare. At first, I just thought he was a serious competitor because he would check in someplace, sometimes in the middle of a street, right after I would check in, just to kind of get more points than me.
So at first I ignored it. Then he started checking in near me. If I was at Farm Fresh, he would check in at the CVS across the street. If I was at the intersection near my church, he would check in on the other side of it.
It was like he was following me.
Well he was.
He went from being near me, to checking in where I was. I had started stopping at Farm Fresh a couple days a week on the way home. I would check in to Farm Fresh and 10-15 minutes later, he would check in.
He would respond to my check ins, leave me little messages.
Then one day, he was waiting for me at Farm Fresh. I walked in the door, checking in, in the parking lot on the way in. And there he was standing in Farm Fresh near the door waiting for me.
CREEPY!
He came up to me and talked to me and freaked me out.
I left without buying anything.
I went home and blocked him on Foursquare and Twitter and immediately STOPPED using the application.
It freaked me out!
Its also a great place for reviews and photos of the business.
So I started using it a couple years ago and I have gotten a crazy amount of free stuff, hats, bags, free food, and all sorts of discounts at places. It has been great.
Well while my husband was deployed, I really got into it and I was checking in to every single place I went, every single day.
Anyone could have looked at my account on Foursquare and seen exactly where I was at any time.
Which is exactly what happened.
This random person, Jeff, started following me on Foursquare. At first, I just thought he was a serious competitor because he would check in someplace, sometimes in the middle of a street, right after I would check in, just to kind of get more points than me.
So at first I ignored it. Then he started checking in near me. If I was at Farm Fresh, he would check in at the CVS across the street. If I was at the intersection near my church, he would check in on the other side of it.
It was like he was following me.
Well he was.
He went from being near me, to checking in where I was. I had started stopping at Farm Fresh a couple days a week on the way home. I would check in to Farm Fresh and 10-15 minutes later, he would check in.
He would respond to my check ins, leave me little messages.
Then one day, he was waiting for me at Farm Fresh. I walked in the door, checking in, in the parking lot on the way in. And there he was standing in Farm Fresh near the door waiting for me.
CREEPY!
He came up to me and talked to me and freaked me out.
I left without buying anything.
I went home and blocked him on Foursquare and Twitter and immediately STOPPED using the application.
It freaked me out!
Friday, February 21, 2014
Some Updates
So I guess I need to update on all the craziness since I really wrote anything.
The last couple of months before he came home from deployment was really weird.
Before he left, and after he first left I was spending alot of time with friends, and suddenly they just stopped speaking to me in May.
I think the one did because I got really sick, and I wasn't able to go to a concert we had tickets to. So after that, she never spoke to me again.
But she was having a baby, so I knew we wouldn't be friends after the kid was born anyways. The whole kid thing just takes up all your time and ruins your life, so you lose your friends. But people know that going in.
The other, I think just quit speaking to me, because the first did. I really don't know. But it was just weird to talk to 2 people everyday, plan everything with 2 people, and then suddenly they just stop talking to you for no reason.
The horrible part is that other people who knew all of us have decided to be friends with them and not me which means they have to be super bitchy to me. Lovely.
Anyways, so as the summer was winding down, I decided to get my first tattoo. I had been thinking about it for years. I finally just randomly left work on my lunch hour and got one. CRAZY.
After that I ended up getting 2 more and a half sleeve. LOL
MID LIFE CRISIS!
So my now husband then fiance' came home ahead of the ship as scheduled. However the day he flew home was nothing but bad weather all over the eat coast. His flight was delayed delayed delayed.
Of course while he was deployed, his cell phone had died, so he had no way to get in touch with me besides bugging other people he worked with to use their phones.
Our homecoming was delayed until like 3am int he morning. He was tired, I was tired. I didn't eat, he didn't eat. It was a mess. It was definitely NOT a homecoming.
But he came home and our life resumed. I was happy to have him home, even if it meant that it was at 3am.
The last couple of months before he came home from deployment was really weird.
Before he left, and after he first left I was spending alot of time with friends, and suddenly they just stopped speaking to me in May.
I think the one did because I got really sick, and I wasn't able to go to a concert we had tickets to. So after that, she never spoke to me again.
But she was having a baby, so I knew we wouldn't be friends after the kid was born anyways. The whole kid thing just takes up all your time and ruins your life, so you lose your friends. But people know that going in.
The other, I think just quit speaking to me, because the first did. I really don't know. But it was just weird to talk to 2 people everyday, plan everything with 2 people, and then suddenly they just stop talking to you for no reason.
The horrible part is that other people who knew all of us have decided to be friends with them and not me which means they have to be super bitchy to me. Lovely.
Anyways, so as the summer was winding down, I decided to get my first tattoo. I had been thinking about it for years. I finally just randomly left work on my lunch hour and got one. CRAZY.
After that I ended up getting 2 more and a half sleeve. LOL
MID LIFE CRISIS!
So my now husband then fiance' came home ahead of the ship as scheduled. However the day he flew home was nothing but bad weather all over the eat coast. His flight was delayed delayed delayed.
Of course while he was deployed, his cell phone had died, so he had no way to get in touch with me besides bugging other people he worked with to use their phones.
Our homecoming was delayed until like 3am int he morning. He was tired, I was tired. I didn't eat, he didn't eat. It was a mess. It was definitely NOT a homecoming.
But he came home and our life resumed. I was happy to have him home, even if it meant that it was at 3am.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
My Movie Rant
Ok. So I should be catching up on all the crap that happened during deployment, the crazy stalkers, and other things. But I am going to rant about movies.
About a year ago, I got some free passes to a movie screening from the newspaper. It lead me to get nosey and wonder how all the other people got their tickets.
So I did some research and got on an email list. But it wasn't until like September that I got another free pass and it lead me to more research.
I've spent my time researching the companies, websites, and the actual sneak preview websites.
Right now I get emails from all sorts of sites. We get to see a free movie preview every other week almost.
The only time I don't get to see a preview is if I don't respond to the email fast enough.
So here is what burns me up.
Constantly when I get free preview tickets, someone wants all the dirt.
What websites?
What email lists?
What Facebook page?
People get annoyed when I say, oh they come from a variety of places.
They want specifics.
Send me a link to where you got that!
NO!
I've spent my time researching all of this.
If you want to be in, do your own damn research.
I didn't waste all my time to get someone else free tickets.
It just burns me up.
All ofmy research was generated from Google. So it's not like I did something outrageous.
I know this sounds petty. But it just burns me up.
Mostly its from people with kids who can't go to movies on week nights anyway.
Grrrrrr
Finally, an Update
Finally, an update.
So I haven't blogged anything since August. August was when my fiance', now husband came home. I have been going crazy ever since and I really haven't had time to update anything.
So here is the quick and dirty.
Yes, I am still struggling with severe depression, severe headaches and body pain.
In August my fiance came home from deployment, we went to Vegas, which was a crazy fun vacation.
I was hoping that having him home and getting back into a normal life would erase all the bad things and give me a life back.
But it hasn't.
In August my grandmother died, in September a friend died.
In November my fiance and I got married.
We timed it so my birthday is one week, our wedding was the next and my husband's birthday was the week after.
We have been getting back somewhat back into our routine, but I am still struggling. I just can't get over the depression.
I am going to write several other blog posts and update on other things that have happened.
So I haven't blogged anything since August. August was when my fiance', now husband came home. I have been going crazy ever since and I really haven't had time to update anything.
So here is the quick and dirty.
Yes, I am still struggling with severe depression, severe headaches and body pain.
In August my fiance came home from deployment, we went to Vegas, which was a crazy fun vacation.
I was hoping that having him home and getting back into a normal life would erase all the bad things and give me a life back.
But it hasn't.
In August my grandmother died, in September a friend died.
In November my fiance and I got married.
We timed it so my birthday is one week, our wedding was the next and my husband's birthday was the week after.
We have been getting back somewhat back into our routine, but I am still struggling. I just can't get over the depression.
I am going to write several other blog posts and update on other things that have happened.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Trying to keep it together
I'm really trying to keep it together, but I am falling apart.
I should be in a totally happy mode because I have the date when he will be home and he is actually coming home early ahead of the ship. So it should be extremely exciting.
I should also be getting better because I have been on Cymbalta for about 3 weeks, so I should really be feeling much better.
I have noticed that the Cymbalta has helped with alot of the aches and pains that I have been having. Although, I have been having some new stuff. Normally, its my right knee that is always swollen and hurting but for some reason, my left knee is giving me trouble these days. I think it has to do with how I sit. I dont even realize that I do it, but I have a horrible habit of sitting on my foot.
I had hoped that I would be able to quit the drinking to make myself feel better, and just feel better and not have to deal with being all mopey and glum all the time. But it just isn't working. Sometimes I do really feel good, but most of the time I don't. The depression is still there. I've tried to follow what my therapist says, and when I am sad, think of positive things. She suggested that when I get all sad, start planning our vacation, look at pictures that make me happy, go for a walk, force myself to leave the house even though I don't want to.
I try. But its not happening.
Last night I was lonely and decided to go out, well of course, I drank too much. Tonight I went out for awhile, but I drank 2 beers and 2 bottles of water. Then suddenly the bar was overwhelmed by these 2 large groups, and I had already felt weird because there was this old guy staring at me. I kinda felt like I wanted to leave, so when I went to get my check, because of the old guy staring at me, I timed it perfectly, as the first of the 2 large groups were walking in. I just felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. Normally it takes quite a bit to creep me out. So when I get creeped out, there is something not right.
I think maybe the reason that I was being creeped out by the old guy was because I wasn't drunk. In the amount of time that I was there, I would have normally had at least 4 beers, and no soda or water. So me only having 2, and then having 2 bottles of water, and then leaving is like a miracle for me.
But it is not a miracle that I just suddenly was not comfortable with a place that I frequent.
I can't count the number of times that I have been to this particular bar. I can't count the number of creeps that I have seen at this bar. But for some reason, I just started having a panic attack.
Maybe somehow that is a good thing that I just had to bail, because I didn't stay and drink. I just didn't feel comfortable at all there. So maybe it is good for me to not want to be there. Now I just have to get to where I have no desire to drink anymore to be social and have fun.
I should be in a totally happy mode because I have the date when he will be home and he is actually coming home early ahead of the ship. So it should be extremely exciting.
I should also be getting better because I have been on Cymbalta for about 3 weeks, so I should really be feeling much better.
I have noticed that the Cymbalta has helped with alot of the aches and pains that I have been having. Although, I have been having some new stuff. Normally, its my right knee that is always swollen and hurting but for some reason, my left knee is giving me trouble these days. I think it has to do with how I sit. I dont even realize that I do it, but I have a horrible habit of sitting on my foot.
I had hoped that I would be able to quit the drinking to make myself feel better, and just feel better and not have to deal with being all mopey and glum all the time. But it just isn't working. Sometimes I do really feel good, but most of the time I don't. The depression is still there. I've tried to follow what my therapist says, and when I am sad, think of positive things. She suggested that when I get all sad, start planning our vacation, look at pictures that make me happy, go for a walk, force myself to leave the house even though I don't want to.
I try. But its not happening.
Last night I was lonely and decided to go out, well of course, I drank too much. Tonight I went out for awhile, but I drank 2 beers and 2 bottles of water. Then suddenly the bar was overwhelmed by these 2 large groups, and I had already felt weird because there was this old guy staring at me. I kinda felt like I wanted to leave, so when I went to get my check, because of the old guy staring at me, I timed it perfectly, as the first of the 2 large groups were walking in. I just felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. Normally it takes quite a bit to creep me out. So when I get creeped out, there is something not right.
I think maybe the reason that I was being creeped out by the old guy was because I wasn't drunk. In the amount of time that I was there, I would have normally had at least 4 beers, and no soda or water. So me only having 2, and then having 2 bottles of water, and then leaving is like a miracle for me.
But it is not a miracle that I just suddenly was not comfortable with a place that I frequent.
I can't count the number of times that I have been to this particular bar. I can't count the number of creeps that I have seen at this bar. But for some reason, I just started having a panic attack.
Maybe somehow that is a good thing that I just had to bail, because I didn't stay and drink. I just didn't feel comfortable at all there. So maybe it is good for me to not want to be there. Now I just have to get to where I have no desire to drink anymore to be social and have fun.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Moving On
So things have been a little weird lately. A couple weeks ago I had these crazy symptoms and I was sick for over a week.
Luckily, its gone.
During the time frame when I was getting over it, I met my shrink who put me on Cymbalta. Cymbalta is supposed to not only help me with my depression, but it is supposed to help with the random weird pains that I am having all of the time.
My shrink seems to think that eventually Cymbalta will get rid of my headaches and it will make me feel better.
I hope he is right and it does all of those things. I am now in my 3rd week of taking Cymbalta. I have noticed that some of the pain is reduced, so I am hoping that that part will get better at least.
However, I can't say that the depression is any better. I think the main reason that I can't move beyond this depression is that I was dumped by two friends. Here I am at my worst, I was really sick, and I get dumped. Neither has spoken to me since I came home from the ER. Which is crazy because if either of them had been in the ER, then I would have been worried and checked back in at least once a day to see what the heck was going on.
So what do I do, Do I call them all groveling and be like I don't know what I did to upset you, but I am sorry for whatever it is. Or do I just keep moving on and act like nothing is going on?
My typical way to deal with them is to not deal with them. So I am sure I will just keep treading water and see what happens.
I'm just not sure that my new med is helping with the depression. I still feel like I don't want to leave the house and I still feel like I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.
My biggest problem in all of this is my coping mechanism has been taken away. I used to always drink when I had something going on that I could not deal with. I would just get trashed, the problem was still there, but at least for the minutes or hours that I was drunk I didn't feel whatever was going on.
Well now that I am on Cymbalta, I am not supposed to drink at all. Those who regularly drink on Cymbalta can have some serious liver damage, so I need to stop.
I've only drank once in this past month. I just haven't really felt like going anywhere.
I just dont know how am I supposed to deal with all of this.
Luckily, its gone.
During the time frame when I was getting over it, I met my shrink who put me on Cymbalta. Cymbalta is supposed to not only help me with my depression, but it is supposed to help with the random weird pains that I am having all of the time.
My shrink seems to think that eventually Cymbalta will get rid of my headaches and it will make me feel better.
I hope he is right and it does all of those things. I am now in my 3rd week of taking Cymbalta. I have noticed that some of the pain is reduced, so I am hoping that that part will get better at least.
However, I can't say that the depression is any better. I think the main reason that I can't move beyond this depression is that I was dumped by two friends. Here I am at my worst, I was really sick, and I get dumped. Neither has spoken to me since I came home from the ER. Which is crazy because if either of them had been in the ER, then I would have been worried and checked back in at least once a day to see what the heck was going on.
So what do I do, Do I call them all groveling and be like I don't know what I did to upset you, but I am sorry for whatever it is. Or do I just keep moving on and act like nothing is going on?
My typical way to deal with them is to not deal with them. So I am sure I will just keep treading water and see what happens.
I'm just not sure that my new med is helping with the depression. I still feel like I don't want to leave the house and I still feel like I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.
My biggest problem in all of this is my coping mechanism has been taken away. I used to always drink when I had something going on that I could not deal with. I would just get trashed, the problem was still there, but at least for the minutes or hours that I was drunk I didn't feel whatever was going on.
Well now that I am on Cymbalta, I am not supposed to drink at all. Those who regularly drink on Cymbalta can have some serious liver damage, so I need to stop.
I've only drank once in this past month. I just haven't really felt like going anywhere.
I just dont know how am I supposed to deal with all of this.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Forward Progress
Well, I guess I have made some forward progress.
I spent a week sick as a dog, I went o several doctors and even the emergency room.
I'm sure the bills are going to be lovely.
I have finally finished my course of medication. I just have to go back next week for a final redo of the blood work to make sure that my white blood cell count is back to normal.
I took a step in the moving forward by meeting with the psychiatrist and getting on medication. He has started me on Cymbalta. He seems to think he can get me on care that will solve the depression and the headaches. He said I should have been in psychiatric care 10-15 yrs ago.
I took another step forward by applying to the rescue to adopt a dog. I made it through the first part. I have the home inspection set up on Saturday. I am not sure if I will actually go through with the adoption or not. I emailed the sailor and even sent him a picture of the dog I want to adopt who is just gorgeous and he said he wants to wait to get a dog. He actually said he wants to start a family when he gets back.
My response to that is WTF?????
A baby? Seriously?
For some reason he just does not understand that I am too old. I am freaking 38 and I will be 39 here in Nov. He missed that window. Even if I have my Mirena taken out, the odds are not remotely good that I will conceive and have a normal baby. I am just too old.
He just doesn't get it.
This is the fear that I have though, he can't accept the fact that I am too old for a baby, and he leaves me because he really wants a child. So I am sure I will get the mirena out to make him happy, but I am not sure how he will handle it when I don't magically get pregnant.
The main issue too is that I DO NOT WANT children. I do not have a maternal bone in my body. I do not have the desire to change diapers and be up all night. I do not see a baby as a bundle of joy. I see it as a life sucking leech.
I spent a week sick as a dog, I went o several doctors and even the emergency room.
I'm sure the bills are going to be lovely.
I have finally finished my course of medication. I just have to go back next week for a final redo of the blood work to make sure that my white blood cell count is back to normal.
I took a step in the moving forward by meeting with the psychiatrist and getting on medication. He has started me on Cymbalta. He seems to think he can get me on care that will solve the depression and the headaches. He said I should have been in psychiatric care 10-15 yrs ago.
I took another step forward by applying to the rescue to adopt a dog. I made it through the first part. I have the home inspection set up on Saturday. I am not sure if I will actually go through with the adoption or not. I emailed the sailor and even sent him a picture of the dog I want to adopt who is just gorgeous and he said he wants to wait to get a dog. He actually said he wants to start a family when he gets back.
My response to that is WTF?????
A baby? Seriously?
For some reason he just does not understand that I am too old. I am freaking 38 and I will be 39 here in Nov. He missed that window. Even if I have my Mirena taken out, the odds are not remotely good that I will conceive and have a normal baby. I am just too old.
He just doesn't get it.
This is the fear that I have though, he can't accept the fact that I am too old for a baby, and he leaves me because he really wants a child. So I am sure I will get the mirena out to make him happy, but I am not sure how he will handle it when I don't magically get pregnant.
The main issue too is that I DO NOT WANT children. I do not have a maternal bone in my body. I do not have the desire to change diapers and be up all night. I do not see a baby as a bundle of joy. I see it as a life sucking leech.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Half Way
So today was the half way party or family picnic as it became.
The FRG President spontaneously stepped down right before it, so the event was a communication nightmare.
The event also took unorganization to a new level.
I'm hoping that since there will be a election of new officers that things will be better organized.
The only thing that I do not understand is how some of these women function on a daily basis with their children. Some of these kids were just all over the place, hurting themselves, hurting each other. OMG, I have never seen kids like these. I dont get it.
I've been feeling bad, like having a fever since Thursday. Friday, I had such a fever and chills, episode that I could not even get out of bed. It was awful. Tylenol has intermittantly been helping. I was super sick this morning, but I took some tylenol and I was able to function at the half way. Right when I was getting ready to leave, I felt my fever start to creep back on, so I knew it was time to leave.
I got home and took some tylenol, actually I've taken it 3 times and I still am burning up. I feel like crap. I am going to go take a cool shower and see if that helps bring my fever down. Not only is my head screaming, but my neck is real stiff, I have real bad leg pain, and a couple of random itchy spots on me.
The FRG President spontaneously stepped down right before it, so the event was a communication nightmare.
The event also took unorganization to a new level.
I'm hoping that since there will be a election of new officers that things will be better organized.
The only thing that I do not understand is how some of these women function on a daily basis with their children. Some of these kids were just all over the place, hurting themselves, hurting each other. OMG, I have never seen kids like these. I dont get it.
I've been feeling bad, like having a fever since Thursday. Friday, I had such a fever and chills, episode that I could not even get out of bed. It was awful. Tylenol has intermittantly been helping. I was super sick this morning, but I took some tylenol and I was able to function at the half way. Right when I was getting ready to leave, I felt my fever start to creep back on, so I knew it was time to leave.
I got home and took some tylenol, actually I've taken it 3 times and I still am burning up. I feel like crap. I am going to go take a cool shower and see if that helps bring my fever down. Not only is my head screaming, but my neck is real stiff, I have real bad leg pain, and a couple of random itchy spots on me.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Still want to hide
I had just a horrible day at work.
It was rainy and miserable outside and it just made me feel even worse on the inside. I got to work and it was a day just like any other. Spent all day on my island.
It would be nice if my isolation at work had some purpose, like I am contagious or something. But it really does not have a purpose other than most of the things I work on, do not involve anyone else. Hence the island.
Tomorrow, I have another counseling appointment with my counselor and then I think next week is when I see the shrink for my meds.
I wanted to update a post that I posted awhile back about the fundraiser at for the FRG. Apparently, the FRG President wasn't there. The person who loudly and rudely said "I don't know who she is" is the FRG Treasurer. I can see from the last meeting why absolutely nothing gets accomplished with the FRG. The current President is very mousy and quiet and not commanding like an organization president should be. She had no control over the last FRG meeting. Most of the women brought their WILD children and did not to anything at all to keep an eye on them. They just let them run wild and make a mess all over the place.
She said that she is electing new officers for the FRG, because her husband is retiring, so she needs to step down. No one really seems interested in running for president. They announced that the half way party is actually a half way family picnic, but they have still not picked a location. It is this Saturday. I rec'd an email tonight, and it looks like they will be having it at a park on base. Which I do not understand, why they won't have it at one of the city parks in va beach because those are much easier to get to, and everyone can come. When you have events exclusively on base, you eliminate part of the attendance. At the last meeting, there was a guy's mom who was there. Well obviously, if they have it on base, she can't go. There was one girlfriend who was there, but she is civil service, and BFF's with another wife from the ship, so she has not problem getting on base. I wish they would do it some place that is more central, because some people live on the other side of the water and really do not want to be driving to oceana.
Anyways, I was hoping that maybe next year they would elect FRG officers so I could run for a position, but since they are electing them this year I cannot. They don't know me at all. Right now, I am not in the best frame of mind to do it either. With my depression, I am not much fun to be around.
It was rainy and miserable outside and it just made me feel even worse on the inside. I got to work and it was a day just like any other. Spent all day on my island.
It would be nice if my isolation at work had some purpose, like I am contagious or something. But it really does not have a purpose other than most of the things I work on, do not involve anyone else. Hence the island.
Tomorrow, I have another counseling appointment with my counselor and then I think next week is when I see the shrink for my meds.
I wanted to update a post that I posted awhile back about the fundraiser at for the FRG. Apparently, the FRG President wasn't there. The person who loudly and rudely said "I don't know who she is" is the FRG Treasurer. I can see from the last meeting why absolutely nothing gets accomplished with the FRG. The current President is very mousy and quiet and not commanding like an organization president should be. She had no control over the last FRG meeting. Most of the women brought their WILD children and did not to anything at all to keep an eye on them. They just let them run wild and make a mess all over the place.
She said that she is electing new officers for the FRG, because her husband is retiring, so she needs to step down. No one really seems interested in running for president. They announced that the half way party is actually a half way family picnic, but they have still not picked a location. It is this Saturday. I rec'd an email tonight, and it looks like they will be having it at a park on base. Which I do not understand, why they won't have it at one of the city parks in va beach because those are much easier to get to, and everyone can come. When you have events exclusively on base, you eliminate part of the attendance. At the last meeting, there was a guy's mom who was there. Well obviously, if they have it on base, she can't go. There was one girlfriend who was there, but she is civil service, and BFF's with another wife from the ship, so she has not problem getting on base. I wish they would do it some place that is more central, because some people live on the other side of the water and really do not want to be driving to oceana.
Anyways, I was hoping that maybe next year they would elect FRG officers so I could run for a position, but since they are electing them this year I cannot. They don't know me at all. Right now, I am not in the best frame of mind to do it either. With my depression, I am not much fun to be around.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
The Judgmental Microscope
My anxiety has pretty much taken over my life at this point. I should be able to go out and enjoy myself or even go to work and have a good day, but it is just not happening.
I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to go anywhere.
After our dog passed away in October, we have been discussing the point of getting a new dog. Our dog was a Chinese Shar Pei, so I have been researching all of the Shar Pei rescues and looking for what I consider to be a good match for us. Recently, I found what I thought was the perfect match. So I started the application process. I got a few questions in, and my anxiety of being judged just took over and I couldn't finish it.
The rescue of course wants to research the household for every dog they place. Which I totally understand. I just was not prepared for how the investigation into my life was going to make me feel.
There is no reason why we could not adopt a dog. We have a big house, nice back yard, a doggie door, no kids, no other pets and we both LOVE dogs. But even all of that, I just could not finish the application because I felt like every question was judgmental, and a personal attack. So I did not finish the application. Even though this dog is perfect for us, I just started to get so anxious I just could not finish.
I have been deliberately cutting out the people who I feel judge me the most. Those who I feel have the most nasty comments about my life and my relationship, I'm just not talking to anymore. Which apparently, they feel the same, because they have not attempted to speak to me either. So obviously, they have seen that I have been upset, and they are trying to leave me alone I guess.
I am just going to try to do some other things and meet some other people. I went to my first FRG meeting. Since I am one of the very few who do not have children, I feel like I may be able to help them. I'm participating in the fundraisers, so maybe I can actually be of some help. They seem a little overwhelmed and under manned.
There is also a civic league that has started in the past year for our neighborhood. I think they meet like the 2nd Tuesday of each month. I have to check the actual schedule. I was involved in the Civic League for my old neighborhood for years. I also want to get involved in church. For too long I've been on a path of doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.
I'm in counseling and I totally expect it to help me get out of this and get my depression and anxiety under control. I want to be able to live a normal life and feel happy to go to work, happy to be out of the house, happy to be alive. But right now, I am nothing but sad, and anxious all the time. It is misery.
I honestly just wish that I had someone that I could talk to besides my therapist.
I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to go anywhere.
After our dog passed away in October, we have been discussing the point of getting a new dog. Our dog was a Chinese Shar Pei, so I have been researching all of the Shar Pei rescues and looking for what I consider to be a good match for us. Recently, I found what I thought was the perfect match. So I started the application process. I got a few questions in, and my anxiety of being judged just took over and I couldn't finish it.
The rescue of course wants to research the household for every dog they place. Which I totally understand. I just was not prepared for how the investigation into my life was going to make me feel.
There is no reason why we could not adopt a dog. We have a big house, nice back yard, a doggie door, no kids, no other pets and we both LOVE dogs. But even all of that, I just could not finish the application because I felt like every question was judgmental, and a personal attack. So I did not finish the application. Even though this dog is perfect for us, I just started to get so anxious I just could not finish.
I have been deliberately cutting out the people who I feel judge me the most. Those who I feel have the most nasty comments about my life and my relationship, I'm just not talking to anymore. Which apparently, they feel the same, because they have not attempted to speak to me either. So obviously, they have seen that I have been upset, and they are trying to leave me alone I guess.
I am just going to try to do some other things and meet some other people. I went to my first FRG meeting. Since I am one of the very few who do not have children, I feel like I may be able to help them. I'm participating in the fundraisers, so maybe I can actually be of some help. They seem a little overwhelmed and under manned.
There is also a civic league that has started in the past year for our neighborhood. I think they meet like the 2nd Tuesday of each month. I have to check the actual schedule. I was involved in the Civic League for my old neighborhood for years. I also want to get involved in church. For too long I've been on a path of doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.
I'm in counseling and I totally expect it to help me get out of this and get my depression and anxiety under control. I want to be able to live a normal life and feel happy to go to work, happy to be out of the house, happy to be alive. But right now, I am nothing but sad, and anxious all the time. It is misery.
I honestly just wish that I had someone that I could talk to besides my therapist.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
So I've been seeing a shrink ....
OK, Well technically she is a counselor, because she is not an MD. They only have 2 MDs in the office, and only one takes my insurance. So you have to meet with a counselor first, and I guess determine if there is a real need for medication, then you meet with an MD, so you get this combination of drugs and therapy.
Which, OK ... That is nice.
I was really afraid that my shrink was going to be all judgmental like the people in my life who do not hesitate to tell me I am doing everything wrong. But so far she has been really curious as to why people seem to think what I do and how I live is bad.
We have had several conversations about the key issues that keep coming up and she seems to be of the opinion that I am making the right choice, all be it, a slow and non commitment choice.
She wants me to get over my fear of commitment and at least be willing to join our cell phone plans when he returns, even if I am not ready to get married. I should at least be ready to take some step.
I actually like the fact that she is teaching me how to deal with the judgmental people, instead of my usual way of hiding in the house all the time and not wanting to go anywhere for fear of judgment.
She is moving me towards confronting those who constantly judge me and who are constantly telling me I need to do this, and I need to do that.
Even my own family does not tell me what to do, so it is super weird to hear it from someone who is not in the 3F's.
She has suggested that I take small steps, and work my way up to dealing with the judgement. But clearly, me deciding to hide in my house all the time and not speak to anyone for fear of judgment, is not really going to make me feel any better.
Right now, all I want to do is just hide in the house all the time and not be around those who are constantly telling me what I need to change.
I don't think anyone really understands how I feel. I can't stand living under a microscope, so I have decided to live under a rock. My depression is so bad, I don't want to see anyone, speak to anyone, go anywhere or do anything. I spend most of my time about 5 minutes away from throwing myself off a bridge.
But how do I tell people, GTF out of my business?
Well I've stopped venting.
If something happens and I am upset by it and I want to vent about it, back in the day, I would write it in my journal. For awhile I was putting notes on Facebook, my space, live journal etc. But people feel like because you put it out there, it is open for comment.
So hence the microscope.
So I have started when I need to vent about something, about how I feel, what I am doing is sitting down and either writing it all out by hand, emailing myself how I feel, or I am just plainly discussing it with myself.
I do the discussing mostly in the car, because then it looks like I am singing to the radio. But since I am at home alone all the time, I can talk to myself all I want and no one hears me so it doesn't really matter.
But the main point, is I am NO LONGER venting about my situation or situations to human ears.
If a situation or situations comes up and I am invited someplace but cannot afford to go, instead of launching into a vent about how freaking expensive this cruise has been or expressing my not happiness with money, Instead I will just politely say, no, I have other plans.
I can always hang out with my niece and nephew, or my dad, so I am not truly lying when I say I have other plans.
And trust me, my garage needs some serious work to be done to it, so I will be at home cleaning out the garage starting this weekend and trying to get all of the junk out of there.
If anyone, especially the microscope people, ask me anything about anything, I will simply shit rainbows and unicorns for them. No more telling the truth, no more expressing myself, no more venting, no more anything but happiness and joy.
True, I will basically be lying, but if you are one of those who constantly puts me under a microscope, then you don't really care about me or my feelings, and it won't bother you when I end up throwing myself off a bridge.
I am going to upload non stop pictures of kittens and puppies and unicorns and rainbows and portray nothing but severe happiness to the outside world.
Those who are intent on looking at me through a microscope will have nothing to look at.
Which, OK ... That is nice.
I was really afraid that my shrink was going to be all judgmental like the people in my life who do not hesitate to tell me I am doing everything wrong. But so far she has been really curious as to why people seem to think what I do and how I live is bad.
We have had several conversations about the key issues that keep coming up and she seems to be of the opinion that I am making the right choice, all be it, a slow and non commitment choice.
She wants me to get over my fear of commitment and at least be willing to join our cell phone plans when he returns, even if I am not ready to get married. I should at least be ready to take some step.
I actually like the fact that she is teaching me how to deal with the judgmental people, instead of my usual way of hiding in the house all the time and not wanting to go anywhere for fear of judgment.
She is moving me towards confronting those who constantly judge me and who are constantly telling me I need to do this, and I need to do that.
Even my own family does not tell me what to do, so it is super weird to hear it from someone who is not in the 3F's.
She has suggested that I take small steps, and work my way up to dealing with the judgement. But clearly, me deciding to hide in my house all the time and not speak to anyone for fear of judgment, is not really going to make me feel any better.
Right now, all I want to do is just hide in the house all the time and not be around those who are constantly telling me what I need to change.
I don't think anyone really understands how I feel. I can't stand living under a microscope, so I have decided to live under a rock. My depression is so bad, I don't want to see anyone, speak to anyone, go anywhere or do anything. I spend most of my time about 5 minutes away from throwing myself off a bridge.
But how do I tell people, GTF out of my business?
Well I've stopped venting.
If something happens and I am upset by it and I want to vent about it, back in the day, I would write it in my journal. For awhile I was putting notes on Facebook, my space, live journal etc. But people feel like because you put it out there, it is open for comment.
So hence the microscope.
So I have started when I need to vent about something, about how I feel, what I am doing is sitting down and either writing it all out by hand, emailing myself how I feel, or I am just plainly discussing it with myself.
I do the discussing mostly in the car, because then it looks like I am singing to the radio. But since I am at home alone all the time, I can talk to myself all I want and no one hears me so it doesn't really matter.
But the main point, is I am NO LONGER venting about my situation or situations to human ears.
If a situation or situations comes up and I am invited someplace but cannot afford to go, instead of launching into a vent about how freaking expensive this cruise has been or expressing my not happiness with money, Instead I will just politely say, no, I have other plans.
I can always hang out with my niece and nephew, or my dad, so I am not truly lying when I say I have other plans.
And trust me, my garage needs some serious work to be done to it, so I will be at home cleaning out the garage starting this weekend and trying to get all of the junk out of there.
If anyone, especially the microscope people, ask me anything about anything, I will simply shit rainbows and unicorns for them. No more telling the truth, no more expressing myself, no more venting, no more anything but happiness and joy.
True, I will basically be lying, but if you are one of those who constantly puts me under a microscope, then you don't really care about me or my feelings, and it won't bother you when I end up throwing myself off a bridge.
I am going to upload non stop pictures of kittens and puppies and unicorns and rainbows and portray nothing but severe happiness to the outside world.
Those who are intent on looking at me through a microscope will have nothing to look at.
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