Pain Day

Today is one of those days where I just want to cry.
Not because someone died or because Iwatched a sad movie. But I want to cry from the pain.
I was having some pain all day at work. But I decided to go out for drinks this evening anyways. Usually the buzz of a few drinks makes me temporarily forget the pain, and the alcohol kind of numbs it. But not tonight.
The longer I stayed the worse my knee got. My hands are hurting so bad right now, I really shouldn't be typing.
I am going to go take something for the pain and try to get some sleep.
It s just a situation where I am super frustrated that yet again the RA has ruined my night and I am left with nothing but pain.
Sleep is very difficult when my joints are flaring.
It feels like my whole body is on fire.
Hopefully, the medicine can reduce it to the point where I can get some sleep.

A Life Of Pain ....

Every morning of my life starts the same way .... In Pain. My RA sort of "locks up" and causes my joints to swell and ache. It seems to be worse in the morning when I have done something physical the day before. If I go to a theme park, or ride my bike, or something as simple as walk the dog I wake up worse than if I had a day of nothing.

I've learned a few little things that help me like taking breaks. Something as simple as housecleaning, I have to take breaks. I run the vacuum, take a break, do the dishes, take a break, fold the laundry, take a break. It takes me forever to get anything done, but I have to do it this way.

"You don't look sick" or "You brought this on yourselfy  with your weight"
If I had a dollar every time I heard one of those, I would be rich.
RA is not caused by weight, diet, or lifestyle. Skinny people get it, kids get it, old people get it, marathon runners get it.
Rheumatoid Arthritis is an AutoImmune Disease.
My body is attacking itself. 30% of people with RA end up with another autoimmune disease such as FibroMyalgia or Lupus. 10% of people with RA end up with all 3, RA, Fibro and Lupus.

Why would I ask for this?
No, I don't think it is cool to have a disease. No, I did not create it to have an excuse.
I simply went to the doctor to find out why I was in such constant pain and why my feet and hands swell and hurt every morning.

I am so tired of people acting like I have created this, or I just want an excuse, or I am just a drama queen.
My body aches and hurts all day everyday. I did not ask for this, I do not want this.

I am really tired of people constantly "preaching" to me that I should change my diet and increase my physical activity and my fake disease would go away and I would feel better.
Trust me, If the cure for RA was to eat nothing but celery and run 5 miles a day, I WOULD DO IT!
Running is only going to make me worse, and although I like celery, it isn't the cure for RA.

So please, Have a little respect for people who have something they cannot control.
You live your life your way, and I will live mine.

Separation Stress

Normally, I do ok with the whole Navy separation thing. Godfrey is forever going somewhere for a week or 2 and sometimes a month or 2. I've gotten used to him always going somewhere.
However, this schooling in CA has been a real hard separation. I think it is mostly because I know what he is doing, and it is very stressful. He is going through training to be a Search and Rescue Swimmer and the training is very rough. He is under many many physical demands. Most people who know him think he is just all about having fun. But he is the type pf person that when a challenge is put in front of him, he will do whatever it takes, he just doesn't quit ever.
Seeing all of the training that he has to go through has just freaked me out, knowing that he is just under this severe physical stresss.

I can't wait for him to come home. I have been super alone this go around and I have been crying at night. Of course when I finally get to talk to him, he finds out I am crying and upset and he makes me laugh. I think that is what I miss the most about him being gone. Normally, when he is at home, We laugh so much each day. I have never laughed as much in my life as I have since I have been with him.

I just hope I can keep it together. He should be home on June 14. It won't get here fast enough.

Follow Through

So its Memorial Day weekend and I am at home waiting on someone. I hate it when someone says they will do something, and then they just don't. A simple NO would have been fine. I'm an adult, I can handle no. But dont leave me hanging thinking that you are going to do something, and I sit around waiting for you to do it and you actually have no plans to ever do it.
Granted, I dont have any serious time table plans that need to be taken of at a certain time. But the whole thing of just waiting, is pissing me off.

A Drink

Right now, I need a drink. No it is not that I WANT one, I NEED a drink.
When I have issues or problems, I resolve them with alcohol. Right now, I am so annoyed, pissed, fired up, whatever you want to say, that I really NEED a drink to calm myself down.

I'm so pissed at the bullshit I have to put up with when Godfrey is gone. I'm so tired of being treated like the hired help, but I still have to pay rent.  I'm tired of dealing with asshole roommates who can't do something simple for me.

Tonight is a night where I really should not be consuming alcohol. I'm mad, and I want to forget what is going on and just relax. But my first gut reaction is "I need a beer".
Godfrey isn't here to make it better. I don't speak to the asshole roomies anymore because it does me no good. Its just me and the dog.

However, I have decided that instead of picking up the bottle to make me forget I have a problem, I am going to do what normal people do and just vent. However, since there is no one here to talk to but the dog, and she just sleeps, I will vent through my blog.

Tomorrow night, I hope I can do more blog venting and not drinking.

Stress

Godfrey has been in SAR Swimmer training for 2 weeks now. This is the Navy's Search and Rescue Swimmer training. It is completely stressful for him. He has been swimming 2,000 yards most days. He has had to learn to swim with all of the gear he has to carry. He has had to learn to swim underwear with his snorkel and not drown.

The physical requirements of this has just been extremely demanding.
I know he is tired, but he is extremely dedicated to it and he really wants this. He is the smallest guy in the glass, down to about 145lbs right now.

I love the fact that he is in such awesome shape. But it does form some kind of conflict for us. He gets to work out while he is at work, and I don't.
So when I get home from work, he is always ready to eat. Dinner is like his biggest meal of the day, and for me, it is really optional.

I guess we just have to work together when he is home to figure out what is best for him AND me.

Blast From The Past ....

So, back in 98, I dated this guy named Marc for 4 months.
We stopped dating, a few months later, had a little "fling".
And then we just kind of stopped talking for awhile.
He was "that one". He was that guy that could have called me at 3am and I would have just gone. He is just a great charmer. I just loved being around him.
Although, it was never like a serious love thing, He has always stayed in the back of my mind.
We we talking when I got married, we were talking when he got married.
And then the last time I saw him was 2006.
A month ago, out of the blue, he sends me a text.
We start communicating again, and I've seen him twice this week.

Don't get me wrong ... I am MADLY in love with Godfrey. He is fun and crazy. Even though some things about him drive me up the wall, he is wonderful, and I love him so much.

However, having this two dinners with Marc, it has been a big yo yo.
On one hand, I just wanted to get caught up, How's the family kind of stuff.
He's changed, and I would defnitely not be chasing after him these days if I didn't know him.
But then, he gives me this look with his big brown eyes, and I melt.
The other thing I love about him is his hands. I look at his hands and I'm melting again.

But then, we remind each other why we didn't work.
He can be an ass.
He is a HUGE Republican, and he is all in to politics. I'm a democrat, but I'm over the whole politics thing.
Sports is another thing, we can't stand to talk baseball because I'm a Mets fan, and he hates the Mets.
He's a Braves fan and I hate the Braves.

So after having dinner with him, and me being reminded like why he pissed me off back in 98,
I go home and curl up with Godfrey's blanket that he keeps on the ship and miss Godfrey all night.