Thursday, August 1, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Trying to keep it together
I'm really trying to keep it together, but I am falling apart.
I should be in a totally happy mode because I have the date when he will be home and he is actually coming home early ahead of the ship. So it should be extremely exciting.
I should also be getting better because I have been on Cymbalta for about 3 weeks, so I should really be feeling much better.
I have noticed that the Cymbalta has helped with alot of the aches and pains that I have been having. Although, I have been having some new stuff. Normally, its my right knee that is always swollen and hurting but for some reason, my left knee is giving me trouble these days. I think it has to do with how I sit. I dont even realize that I do it, but I have a horrible habit of sitting on my foot.
I had hoped that I would be able to quit the drinking to make myself feel better, and just feel better and not have to deal with being all mopey and glum all the time. But it just isn't working. Sometimes I do really feel good, but most of the time I don't. The depression is still there. I've tried to follow what my therapist says, and when I am sad, think of positive things. She suggested that when I get all sad, start planning our vacation, look at pictures that make me happy, go for a walk, force myself to leave the house even though I don't want to.
I try. But its not happening.
Last night I was lonely and decided to go out, well of course, I drank too much. Tonight I went out for awhile, but I drank 2 beers and 2 bottles of water. Then suddenly the bar was overwhelmed by these 2 large groups, and I had already felt weird because there was this old guy staring at me. I kinda felt like I wanted to leave, so when I went to get my check, because of the old guy staring at me, I timed it perfectly, as the first of the 2 large groups were walking in. I just felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. Normally it takes quite a bit to creep me out. So when I get creeped out, there is something not right.
I think maybe the reason that I was being creeped out by the old guy was because I wasn't drunk. In the amount of time that I was there, I would have normally had at least 4 beers, and no soda or water. So me only having 2, and then having 2 bottles of water, and then leaving is like a miracle for me.
But it is not a miracle that I just suddenly was not comfortable with a place that I frequent.
I can't count the number of times that I have been to this particular bar. I can't count the number of creeps that I have seen at this bar. But for some reason, I just started having a panic attack.
Maybe somehow that is a good thing that I just had to bail, because I didn't stay and drink. I just didn't feel comfortable at all there. So maybe it is good for me to not want to be there. Now I just have to get to where I have no desire to drink anymore to be social and have fun.
I should be in a totally happy mode because I have the date when he will be home and he is actually coming home early ahead of the ship. So it should be extremely exciting.
I should also be getting better because I have been on Cymbalta for about 3 weeks, so I should really be feeling much better.
I have noticed that the Cymbalta has helped with alot of the aches and pains that I have been having. Although, I have been having some new stuff. Normally, its my right knee that is always swollen and hurting but for some reason, my left knee is giving me trouble these days. I think it has to do with how I sit. I dont even realize that I do it, but I have a horrible habit of sitting on my foot.
I had hoped that I would be able to quit the drinking to make myself feel better, and just feel better and not have to deal with being all mopey and glum all the time. But it just isn't working. Sometimes I do really feel good, but most of the time I don't. The depression is still there. I've tried to follow what my therapist says, and when I am sad, think of positive things. She suggested that when I get all sad, start planning our vacation, look at pictures that make me happy, go for a walk, force myself to leave the house even though I don't want to.
I try. But its not happening.
Last night I was lonely and decided to go out, well of course, I drank too much. Tonight I went out for awhile, but I drank 2 beers and 2 bottles of water. Then suddenly the bar was overwhelmed by these 2 large groups, and I had already felt weird because there was this old guy staring at me. I kinda felt like I wanted to leave, so when I went to get my check, because of the old guy staring at me, I timed it perfectly, as the first of the 2 large groups were walking in. I just felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. Normally it takes quite a bit to creep me out. So when I get creeped out, there is something not right.
I think maybe the reason that I was being creeped out by the old guy was because I wasn't drunk. In the amount of time that I was there, I would have normally had at least 4 beers, and no soda or water. So me only having 2, and then having 2 bottles of water, and then leaving is like a miracle for me.
But it is not a miracle that I just suddenly was not comfortable with a place that I frequent.
I can't count the number of times that I have been to this particular bar. I can't count the number of creeps that I have seen at this bar. But for some reason, I just started having a panic attack.
Maybe somehow that is a good thing that I just had to bail, because I didn't stay and drink. I just didn't feel comfortable at all there. So maybe it is good for me to not want to be there. Now I just have to get to where I have no desire to drink anymore to be social and have fun.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Moving On
So things have been a little weird lately. A couple weeks ago I had these crazy symptoms and I was sick for over a week.
Luckily, its gone.
During the time frame when I was getting over it, I met my shrink who put me on Cymbalta. Cymbalta is supposed to not only help me with my depression, but it is supposed to help with the random weird pains that I am having all of the time.
My shrink seems to think that eventually Cymbalta will get rid of my headaches and it will make me feel better.
I hope he is right and it does all of those things. I am now in my 3rd week of taking Cymbalta. I have noticed that some of the pain is reduced, so I am hoping that that part will get better at least.
However, I can't say that the depression is any better. I think the main reason that I can't move beyond this depression is that I was dumped by two friends. Here I am at my worst, I was really sick, and I get dumped. Neither has spoken to me since I came home from the ER. Which is crazy because if either of them had been in the ER, then I would have been worried and checked back in at least once a day to see what the heck was going on.
So what do I do, Do I call them all groveling and be like I don't know what I did to upset you, but I am sorry for whatever it is. Or do I just keep moving on and act like nothing is going on?
My typical way to deal with them is to not deal with them. So I am sure I will just keep treading water and see what happens.
I'm just not sure that my new med is helping with the depression. I still feel like I don't want to leave the house and I still feel like I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.
My biggest problem in all of this is my coping mechanism has been taken away. I used to always drink when I had something going on that I could not deal with. I would just get trashed, the problem was still there, but at least for the minutes or hours that I was drunk I didn't feel whatever was going on.
Well now that I am on Cymbalta, I am not supposed to drink at all. Those who regularly drink on Cymbalta can have some serious liver damage, so I need to stop.
I've only drank once in this past month. I just haven't really felt like going anywhere.
I just dont know how am I supposed to deal with all of this.
Luckily, its gone.
During the time frame when I was getting over it, I met my shrink who put me on Cymbalta. Cymbalta is supposed to not only help me with my depression, but it is supposed to help with the random weird pains that I am having all of the time.
My shrink seems to think that eventually Cymbalta will get rid of my headaches and it will make me feel better.
I hope he is right and it does all of those things. I am now in my 3rd week of taking Cymbalta. I have noticed that some of the pain is reduced, so I am hoping that that part will get better at least.
However, I can't say that the depression is any better. I think the main reason that I can't move beyond this depression is that I was dumped by two friends. Here I am at my worst, I was really sick, and I get dumped. Neither has spoken to me since I came home from the ER. Which is crazy because if either of them had been in the ER, then I would have been worried and checked back in at least once a day to see what the heck was going on.
So what do I do, Do I call them all groveling and be like I don't know what I did to upset you, but I am sorry for whatever it is. Or do I just keep moving on and act like nothing is going on?
My typical way to deal with them is to not deal with them. So I am sure I will just keep treading water and see what happens.
I'm just not sure that my new med is helping with the depression. I still feel like I don't want to leave the house and I still feel like I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.
My biggest problem in all of this is my coping mechanism has been taken away. I used to always drink when I had something going on that I could not deal with. I would just get trashed, the problem was still there, but at least for the minutes or hours that I was drunk I didn't feel whatever was going on.
Well now that I am on Cymbalta, I am not supposed to drink at all. Those who regularly drink on Cymbalta can have some serious liver damage, so I need to stop.
I've only drank once in this past month. I just haven't really felt like going anywhere.
I just dont know how am I supposed to deal with all of this.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Forward Progress
Well, I guess I have made some forward progress.
I spent a week sick as a dog, I went o several doctors and even the emergency room.
I'm sure the bills are going to be lovely.
I have finally finished my course of medication. I just have to go back next week for a final redo of the blood work to make sure that my white blood cell count is back to normal.
I took a step in the moving forward by meeting with the psychiatrist and getting on medication. He has started me on Cymbalta. He seems to think he can get me on care that will solve the depression and the headaches. He said I should have been in psychiatric care 10-15 yrs ago.
I took another step forward by applying to the rescue to adopt a dog. I made it through the first part. I have the home inspection set up on Saturday. I am not sure if I will actually go through with the adoption or not. I emailed the sailor and even sent him a picture of the dog I want to adopt who is just gorgeous and he said he wants to wait to get a dog. He actually said he wants to start a family when he gets back.
My response to that is WTF?????
A baby? Seriously?
For some reason he just does not understand that I am too old. I am freaking 38 and I will be 39 here in Nov. He missed that window. Even if I have my Mirena taken out, the odds are not remotely good that I will conceive and have a normal baby. I am just too old.
He just doesn't get it.
This is the fear that I have though, he can't accept the fact that I am too old for a baby, and he leaves me because he really wants a child. So I am sure I will get the mirena out to make him happy, but I am not sure how he will handle it when I don't magically get pregnant.
The main issue too is that I DO NOT WANT children. I do not have a maternal bone in my body. I do not have the desire to change diapers and be up all night. I do not see a baby as a bundle of joy. I see it as a life sucking leech.
I spent a week sick as a dog, I went o several doctors and even the emergency room.
I'm sure the bills are going to be lovely.
I have finally finished my course of medication. I just have to go back next week for a final redo of the blood work to make sure that my white blood cell count is back to normal.
I took a step in the moving forward by meeting with the psychiatrist and getting on medication. He has started me on Cymbalta. He seems to think he can get me on care that will solve the depression and the headaches. He said I should have been in psychiatric care 10-15 yrs ago.
I took another step forward by applying to the rescue to adopt a dog. I made it through the first part. I have the home inspection set up on Saturday. I am not sure if I will actually go through with the adoption or not. I emailed the sailor and even sent him a picture of the dog I want to adopt who is just gorgeous and he said he wants to wait to get a dog. He actually said he wants to start a family when he gets back.
My response to that is WTF?????
A baby? Seriously?
For some reason he just does not understand that I am too old. I am freaking 38 and I will be 39 here in Nov. He missed that window. Even if I have my Mirena taken out, the odds are not remotely good that I will conceive and have a normal baby. I am just too old.
He just doesn't get it.
This is the fear that I have though, he can't accept the fact that I am too old for a baby, and he leaves me because he really wants a child. So I am sure I will get the mirena out to make him happy, but I am not sure how he will handle it when I don't magically get pregnant.
The main issue too is that I DO NOT WANT children. I do not have a maternal bone in my body. I do not have the desire to change diapers and be up all night. I do not see a baby as a bundle of joy. I see it as a life sucking leech.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Half Way
So today was the half way party or family picnic as it became.
The FRG President spontaneously stepped down right before it, so the event was a communication nightmare.
The event also took unorganization to a new level.
I'm hoping that since there will be a election of new officers that things will be better organized.
The only thing that I do not understand is how some of these women function on a daily basis with their children. Some of these kids were just all over the place, hurting themselves, hurting each other. OMG, I have never seen kids like these. I dont get it.
I've been feeling bad, like having a fever since Thursday. Friday, I had such a fever and chills, episode that I could not even get out of bed. It was awful. Tylenol has intermittantly been helping. I was super sick this morning, but I took some tylenol and I was able to function at the half way. Right when I was getting ready to leave, I felt my fever start to creep back on, so I knew it was time to leave.
I got home and took some tylenol, actually I've taken it 3 times and I still am burning up. I feel like crap. I am going to go take a cool shower and see if that helps bring my fever down. Not only is my head screaming, but my neck is real stiff, I have real bad leg pain, and a couple of random itchy spots on me.
The FRG President spontaneously stepped down right before it, so the event was a communication nightmare.
The event also took unorganization to a new level.
I'm hoping that since there will be a election of new officers that things will be better organized.
The only thing that I do not understand is how some of these women function on a daily basis with their children. Some of these kids were just all over the place, hurting themselves, hurting each other. OMG, I have never seen kids like these. I dont get it.
I've been feeling bad, like having a fever since Thursday. Friday, I had such a fever and chills, episode that I could not even get out of bed. It was awful. Tylenol has intermittantly been helping. I was super sick this morning, but I took some tylenol and I was able to function at the half way. Right when I was getting ready to leave, I felt my fever start to creep back on, so I knew it was time to leave.
I got home and took some tylenol, actually I've taken it 3 times and I still am burning up. I feel like crap. I am going to go take a cool shower and see if that helps bring my fever down. Not only is my head screaming, but my neck is real stiff, I have real bad leg pain, and a couple of random itchy spots on me.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Still want to hide
I had just a horrible day at work.
It was rainy and miserable outside and it just made me feel even worse on the inside. I got to work and it was a day just like any other. Spent all day on my island.
It would be nice if my isolation at work had some purpose, like I am contagious or something. But it really does not have a purpose other than most of the things I work on, do not involve anyone else. Hence the island.
Tomorrow, I have another counseling appointment with my counselor and then I think next week is when I see the shrink for my meds.
I wanted to update a post that I posted awhile back about the fundraiser at for the FRG. Apparently, the FRG President wasn't there. The person who loudly and rudely said "I don't know who she is" is the FRG Treasurer. I can see from the last meeting why absolutely nothing gets accomplished with the FRG. The current President is very mousy and quiet and not commanding like an organization president should be. She had no control over the last FRG meeting. Most of the women brought their WILD children and did not to anything at all to keep an eye on them. They just let them run wild and make a mess all over the place.
She said that she is electing new officers for the FRG, because her husband is retiring, so she needs to step down. No one really seems interested in running for president. They announced that the half way party is actually a half way family picnic, but they have still not picked a location. It is this Saturday. I rec'd an email tonight, and it looks like they will be having it at a park on base. Which I do not understand, why they won't have it at one of the city parks in va beach because those are much easier to get to, and everyone can come. When you have events exclusively on base, you eliminate part of the attendance. At the last meeting, there was a guy's mom who was there. Well obviously, if they have it on base, she can't go. There was one girlfriend who was there, but she is civil service, and BFF's with another wife from the ship, so she has not problem getting on base. I wish they would do it some place that is more central, because some people live on the other side of the water and really do not want to be driving to oceana.
Anyways, I was hoping that maybe next year they would elect FRG officers so I could run for a position, but since they are electing them this year I cannot. They don't know me at all. Right now, I am not in the best frame of mind to do it either. With my depression, I am not much fun to be around.
It was rainy and miserable outside and it just made me feel even worse on the inside. I got to work and it was a day just like any other. Spent all day on my island.
It would be nice if my isolation at work had some purpose, like I am contagious or something. But it really does not have a purpose other than most of the things I work on, do not involve anyone else. Hence the island.
Tomorrow, I have another counseling appointment with my counselor and then I think next week is when I see the shrink for my meds.
I wanted to update a post that I posted awhile back about the fundraiser at for the FRG. Apparently, the FRG President wasn't there. The person who loudly and rudely said "I don't know who she is" is the FRG Treasurer. I can see from the last meeting why absolutely nothing gets accomplished with the FRG. The current President is very mousy and quiet and not commanding like an organization president should be. She had no control over the last FRG meeting. Most of the women brought their WILD children and did not to anything at all to keep an eye on them. They just let them run wild and make a mess all over the place.
She said that she is electing new officers for the FRG, because her husband is retiring, so she needs to step down. No one really seems interested in running for president. They announced that the half way party is actually a half way family picnic, but they have still not picked a location. It is this Saturday. I rec'd an email tonight, and it looks like they will be having it at a park on base. Which I do not understand, why they won't have it at one of the city parks in va beach because those are much easier to get to, and everyone can come. When you have events exclusively on base, you eliminate part of the attendance. At the last meeting, there was a guy's mom who was there. Well obviously, if they have it on base, she can't go. There was one girlfriend who was there, but she is civil service, and BFF's with another wife from the ship, so she has not problem getting on base. I wish they would do it some place that is more central, because some people live on the other side of the water and really do not want to be driving to oceana.
Anyways, I was hoping that maybe next year they would elect FRG officers so I could run for a position, but since they are electing them this year I cannot. They don't know me at all. Right now, I am not in the best frame of mind to do it either. With my depression, I am not much fun to be around.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
The Judgmental Microscope
My anxiety has pretty much taken over my life at this point. I should be able to go out and enjoy myself or even go to work and have a good day, but it is just not happening.
I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to go anywhere.
After our dog passed away in October, we have been discussing the point of getting a new dog. Our dog was a Chinese Shar Pei, so I have been researching all of the Shar Pei rescues and looking for what I consider to be a good match for us. Recently, I found what I thought was the perfect match. So I started the application process. I got a few questions in, and my anxiety of being judged just took over and I couldn't finish it.
The rescue of course wants to research the household for every dog they place. Which I totally understand. I just was not prepared for how the investigation into my life was going to make me feel.
There is no reason why we could not adopt a dog. We have a big house, nice back yard, a doggie door, no kids, no other pets and we both LOVE dogs. But even all of that, I just could not finish the application because I felt like every question was judgmental, and a personal attack. So I did not finish the application. Even though this dog is perfect for us, I just started to get so anxious I just could not finish.
I have been deliberately cutting out the people who I feel judge me the most. Those who I feel have the most nasty comments about my life and my relationship, I'm just not talking to anymore. Which apparently, they feel the same, because they have not attempted to speak to me either. So obviously, they have seen that I have been upset, and they are trying to leave me alone I guess.
I am just going to try to do some other things and meet some other people. I went to my first FRG meeting. Since I am one of the very few who do not have children, I feel like I may be able to help them. I'm participating in the fundraisers, so maybe I can actually be of some help. They seem a little overwhelmed and under manned.
There is also a civic league that has started in the past year for our neighborhood. I think they meet like the 2nd Tuesday of each month. I have to check the actual schedule. I was involved in the Civic League for my old neighborhood for years. I also want to get involved in church. For too long I've been on a path of doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.
I'm in counseling and I totally expect it to help me get out of this and get my depression and anxiety under control. I want to be able to live a normal life and feel happy to go to work, happy to be out of the house, happy to be alive. But right now, I am nothing but sad, and anxious all the time. It is misery.
I honestly just wish that I had someone that I could talk to besides my therapist.
I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to go anywhere.
After our dog passed away in October, we have been discussing the point of getting a new dog. Our dog was a Chinese Shar Pei, so I have been researching all of the Shar Pei rescues and looking for what I consider to be a good match for us. Recently, I found what I thought was the perfect match. So I started the application process. I got a few questions in, and my anxiety of being judged just took over and I couldn't finish it.
The rescue of course wants to research the household for every dog they place. Which I totally understand. I just was not prepared for how the investigation into my life was going to make me feel.
There is no reason why we could not adopt a dog. We have a big house, nice back yard, a doggie door, no kids, no other pets and we both LOVE dogs. But even all of that, I just could not finish the application because I felt like every question was judgmental, and a personal attack. So I did not finish the application. Even though this dog is perfect for us, I just started to get so anxious I just could not finish.
I have been deliberately cutting out the people who I feel judge me the most. Those who I feel have the most nasty comments about my life and my relationship, I'm just not talking to anymore. Which apparently, they feel the same, because they have not attempted to speak to me either. So obviously, they have seen that I have been upset, and they are trying to leave me alone I guess.
I am just going to try to do some other things and meet some other people. I went to my first FRG meeting. Since I am one of the very few who do not have children, I feel like I may be able to help them. I'm participating in the fundraisers, so maybe I can actually be of some help. They seem a little overwhelmed and under manned.
There is also a civic league that has started in the past year for our neighborhood. I think they meet like the 2nd Tuesday of each month. I have to check the actual schedule. I was involved in the Civic League for my old neighborhood for years. I also want to get involved in church. For too long I've been on a path of doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.
I'm in counseling and I totally expect it to help me get out of this and get my depression and anxiety under control. I want to be able to live a normal life and feel happy to go to work, happy to be out of the house, happy to be alive. But right now, I am nothing but sad, and anxious all the time. It is misery.
I honestly just wish that I had someone that I could talk to besides my therapist.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)